5 People Who Just Might Eat Your Children

Written by Jason Scott. Posted in Daily Daft

“I Want to Eat Your Children!” – Mike Tyson

Although many of us may remember the famous line directed to Lennox Lewis from Mike Tyson (he’s feeling much better now), most of us just shook it off as some random insanity from a declining superstar boxer.

However, some of us thought to ourselves: “I think he might actually do it if given the chance.”

At Daft Gadgets, we find that some of the best (and most interesting) ideas come directly from the realms of insanity and as such, we are not afraid to investigate deeper in to any insane ideas from eating children to working 9-5 jobs.

Believe it or not, it turns out that eating children isn’t that crazy at all!

In fact, some people have put forth some very logical arguments for the act of pedocannibalism (yes we made that word up.)

We’re going to save the moral debate of Exocannibalism vs Endocannibalism (no we didn’t make these words up)for another time and focus this post entirely around people who might eat your children.

The First being:

#5. Johnathan Swift

Photo thanks to wikipedia

Photo thanks to wikipedia

Johnathan Swift was a satirist, and political pamphleteer who created great works like: Gulliver’s travels, The Battle of the Books, and A Modest Proposal.

A Modest Proposal is a guide to ease poverty by selling your children as food for the rich.

Swift delves deep to support his proposal, listing the calculations and financial benefits of pedocannibalism while making allusions to the overall yummyness of a prepared child.

Swift is quoted as saying:

“A young healthy child well nursed, is, at a year old, a most delicious nourishing and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee, or a ragoust.”

Swift later argues that landlords have already devoured most of their parents and are therefore most entitled to the children as they already have experience in cannibalism.

Although Swift’s message is a Jab at using human’s a resources, we wouldn’t trust him with a newborn baby during any type of famine, particularly in any place dingos are known to roam.

#4. Saturn/Cronos

Would you like fries with that?

"Would you like fries with that?"

Cronos was the sun of Uranus.

He was known as Cronos to the “Greeks” and “Saturn” to the Romans. Cronos castrated his father and and threw his genitals into the sea. With his father out of the way, he became the supreme ruler of the universe.

Unfortunately it occurred to him, that if he could castrate and kill his father, one of his children may very well castrate and kill him!

Seeking the advice of a prophet, Cronos was told that in fact, one of his children would dispose of him in the future. This gave him the ingenious idea of eating his children. He figured that if he ate them when they were young and helpless, they would never grow up to hurt him.

Ironically, nobody wanted to hurt Cronos until he started eating children, and in the end he suffered a self fulfilling prophecy.

According to some, Zeus made Cronos the lead soprano in his choir before sending him to the underworld.

#3. Tantalus

Tantalus shows up in Homer’s “Nekuia” where he is suffering eternal torture in the Tartarus region of Greek Hell. Although he’s not really a pedocannibal,  he did create a feast for the gods where he stews his own son, Pelops. (Mmmm, Tantalizing!)

The gods weren’t really keen on eating humans, but the goddess Demeter was distracted by the loss of her daughter Persephone, and chowed down on Pelops like he was a chicken wing.

We’re not sure, but we think that this transgression is kind of like serving someone “Blue Shark” for dinner and then telling them its actually flipper the bottle nosed dolphin.
Eitherway, Tantalus isn’t someone you want around the Kitchen.


#2. Lamia

Another gift from the Greeks is the story of Lamia.

Queen Lamia was considered the avatar of beauty in libya. In fact, she carried with her a preternatural goddess like beauty that was probably passed down from her grand parents Poseidon and Lybie, although some tell her tale as the mistress of Zeus himself.

With the Zeus interpretation, Hera (Zeus’ wife) kills Lamia’s children, which in turn empowers her negative emotions to turn her into a serpent like demon.

Either way, Lamia is known as the demon devourer of children and has been commonly used by parents who wish to scare their children into obedience for centuries.

#1. Shrek

If you are familiar with the ways parents traumatize their children, you are also familiar with the story of Tom Thumb.

In the story, the mean ogre is trying to kill Tom and his brothers so he can eat them. Tom however, is a crafty lad, and tricks the Ogre into slitting the throats of his own children.

Now at Daft Gadgets, were pretty sure that this image is a great way to put kids to sleep. That being said, in order to protect your children from an ogre they will have to know what an ogre is, and judging from the photo above, its safe to say that Disney has slowly been getting “less real” and more “fairy tale” since they traumatized half the population by killing off Bamby’s mom with a shot gun blast.

So what is an Ogre?

Well, no one is really sure. The best description probably comes from Wikipedia where they state that an ogre is a large, cruel, monstrous and hideous humanoid monster that usually feed on humans. They are closely related to a troll, but are usually less malevolent.

So if you see someone or something that resembles this description, we suggest you run.

Believe us, Shrek becomes a lot less funny once you see him eat a baby.

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Jason Scott

"They will Rue the Day They Gave Me Free Reign Over this Blog" Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! (insert evil into laughter)

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