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Jason Scott

"They will Rue the Day They Gave Me Free Reign Over this Blog" Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! (insert evil into laughter)

7 Real Sea Monsters that Look Very Familiar

Written by Jason Scott. Posted in Daily Daft, Funny But True

#1. Henodus Chelyops

(“Turtle-Faced Single Tooth”) Late Triassic Period (200 Million years ago)

What did the Henodus look like?

No Fred Flintstone didnt run over him.

No Fred Flintstone didn't run over him.

Kinda like that turtle you ran over with your car.  Although scientifically it kind of looks like the estranged love child of a manta ray and a turtle, The Henodus doesn’t actually trace its lineage to either one.

How big was the Henodus?

It measured 1 meter in length.

What the hell was it?

Part of the ancient group of marine reptiles called Placodont’s. The Henodus is distinguishable by single tooth on each side of its mouth that was probably used for opening tasty shellfish like a cheap nutcracker.

Henodus remains have been found in non marine deposits, so it may have lived in freshwater lagoons, and likely enjoyed an amphibious nature that allowed it to lay its eggs on land, proving once and for all that the egg actually did come before the chicken.

#2. Dakosaurus

What did the Dakosaurus look like?

When the first Dakosuarus skull was unearthed in Patagonia, Argentina, the scientists quickly named it “Godzilla” due to its dinosaur type snout, and lizard like appearance. Its body was streamlined for hydrodynamic efficiency with paddles instead of feet and a finned tail.

What the Hell was a Dakosaurus anyway?

The Dakosaurus was neither a Dinosaur nor a Fish, but actually a prehistoric crocodile belonging to an extinct genus within the family Metriorhynchidae. They lived during the Late Jurassic and Early Cretaceous period

The name Dakosaurus actually means “Tearing Lizard”, and is derived from the Greek Dakos- (“to tear”) and -sauros (“lizard”).

How big was the Dakosuarus?

All currently known species would have been approximately four to five meters in length making them larger than our modern crocodiles. Try and picture a great white shark with a dinosaur head, and you’ll get the idea.

#3. Kronosaurus

3000 years before Mike Tyson said it and jonathan swift proposed it, Cronos was doing it!

3000 years before Mike Tyson said it and jonathan swift proposed it, Cronos was doing it!

What did the Kronosuarus look like?

Kind of like a cross between a Playpus and a Dinosaur, the Kronosaurus was the biggest and baddest marine predator in the western queensland of Austrailia. It has appropriately taken its name from the greek deity Kronos.

What they hell was it?

It came from an extinct genus of short-necked pliosaur, and once one of the largest of the group, hence the reference to Kronos

Just How Big Was This Thing?

It had a head the size of the average human, teeth the size of a bananas, and an approximate length of 9–10 meters (30–33 feet).

“Uhhh, is that a Banana in your mouth or are you just happy to eat me?”

#4. Tylosaurus

What did a Tylosaurus look like?

I was happier when I was doctor conners

"At the peak of my evolution I became Dr Conners"

The Tylosaurus resembled a cross between a monitor lizard and a serpent. A distinguishing characteristic of Tylosaurus is its elongated, cylindrical nose which may have been used to ram and stun prey or possibly even used for combat between its own species. (Tylosaurs were known to eat each other)

How big was this thing?

It measured about 50 feet (15 meters)

Just What the hell was a Tylosaurus?

Deriving its name from the Greek word “tylos” (protuberance, knob) and the word “sauros” (lizard) the Tylosaur was a mosasaur, (a large, predatory marine lizard closely related to modern monitor lizards and to snakes.) Of course its eating habits were probably closer to quoll or tasmanian devil of the ocean since the Tylosaurus had a varied diet that included fish, sharks, smaller mosasaurs, plesiosaurs, flightless diving birds, and pretty much anything it could torpedo down its gullet.

#5. Archelon

What did an Archelon look like?

The Archelon kind of looked like its closest living relative, the leather back turtle. It didn’t carry with it solid shell, but instead used a skeletal framework that supported a leathery or bony carapace. The Archelon can be distinguished by a pointed tail, a narrow skull, a high-vaulted shell, and a pronounced overbite.

How big was it?

Archelon (Greek meaning ruler turtle) is a genus of extinct sea turtle, the largest that has ever been documented. The live weight of an Archelon ischyros is estimated at more than 2000 kg (4500 lbs).

As big as it was however, this turtle couldn’t retract its head or flippers making it vulnerable to attacks from other predators.

#6. Temnodontosaurus

What did a Temnodontosaurus look like?

It sort of looked like flipper with an elongated snout jam packed with pointy teeth.

What the hell was a Temnodontosaurus?

The Temnodontosaurus was an ichthyosaur from the Early Jurassic, some 198 and 185 million years ago (Hettangian – Toarcian), in Europe (England & Germany). It is the only genus in the family temnodontosauridae

How big was this thing?

The Temnodontosaurus or “cutting tooth lizard” was larger than a double decker bus. Its dolphin like body exceeded 12 meters (40 ft) in length, while the eyes of the Temnodontosaurus were the size of dinner plates. Their eyes measured approximately 20 cm (8 in) in diameter making them some of the largest eyes of any known vertebrate.

All the better to see you with

#7. Enchodus

What does it look like?

It looked like its distant cousin we know as a salmon, just add a set of Sabre Teeth. Its skull had an appearance somewhat reminiscent of modern deep-sea fishes, such as the anglerfish and viperfish.

What the hell was it?

Enchodus were part of an extinct genus of bony fish with large fangs.

How big were the Enchodus?

Well, their fangs measured 6+ cm in length. Their the total body length was only about 1.5 meters, but we suspect they would give an modern fisherman a good run for their money.

The 5 Biggest Impostors in Nature

Written by Jason Scott. Posted in Daily Daft, Funny But True

Sometimes we think we are going to get something good only to get tricked at the last second by some bastard impostor.  Scientist call this phenomenon “Mimicry” and sometimes “Aggressive Mimicry” when the impostor is using it as a way to capture or kill something.

We have compiled a list of 5 impostors in nature who really aren’t what they seem at all.

#1 What do we think it is?

A Frightening venomous hooded cobra! Watch out this thing. A cobra has long fangs, toxic venom and the intelligence to use them. If you;re Hindu, you may think that this “Cobra” is a manifestation of the God “Shiva” and feel the need to kneel down praying to show your respect.

What is it really?

An impersonating bastard who just tricked you into praying to a false god. This harmless pussy assed snake is known by the name (Malpolon Moliensis) or “False Cobra”.  If it has a hood like a cobra and hisses like a cobra its not necessarily a cobra. One distinctive feature that may allow you to tell the difference between the impostor and its deadly friend is that the “False Cobra” has is a black blotch which runs from the cheek to the angle of the jaw. It imitates the Bad ass Cobra like some over confident poser by spreading the skin of its neck making you think that it is badass when really it is totally harmless to humans. On the other side, they may make a good pet since they’re pretty good at keeping rats under control and would probably be a great way to scare off any unsuspecting burglar who breaks into your home.

#2 What do we think it is?:

It looks like a Monarch Butterfly:

What it really is:

A Viceroy Butterfly.

It pretends to be a foul tasting monarch to hide the fact that its tasty enough to eat. One way to tell the difference is the black line that curves along its hind wing. Now scientists back in the 19th century found the Monarch first and assumed that the viceroy was the Mimic. Unfortunately, they didn’t actually test the theory until 1991, which tossed the theory right out the window. It now appears that the Viceroy is just as awful tasting as the Monarch, so now nobody knows which one is imitating which. Whichever way it is, were not eating either one.

#3 What do we think it is?

That depends on what its hiding from. It will impersonate anything from venomous sole, lion fish, sea snakes, sea anemones, and jellyfish

What is it Really?

Its called a “Mimic” Octopus

Discovered in 1998, The mimic octopus is the first octopus species ever observed to impersonate other animals. It has been known to mimic 15 different species by manipulating and contorting its body beyond the likes of a “Cirque du Soleil” acrobat.   Like other octopi, it can also change color.
Upon observation, the mimic octopus decides which animal to impersonate based upon the scariest thing that’s trying to eat it. If it gets attacked by a damselfish, it will turn into a snake, something that eats damselfish. It does this by turning black and yellow, and burying six of its arms.

#4 What do we think it is?

The siren song of a woman ready to “get in on”

What is it really?

A spotted Katydid who likes to eat horny male cicdas. According to the entomologists form the University of Connecticut, Storrs, this Katydid is the first documented case of acoustic mimicry used in an aggressive manner.

Like the mythological sirens who lured sailors to their doom with their enchanting voices, the katydids do the same to their prey. The clicking sounds produced by this impostor are so convincing, its like the males are on cricket Viagra chasing females wearing axe body spray for girls. At least spiders kill their mates “after” the act. The Katydid makes the cicadas life nothing short of anti climactic.

#5 What do we think it is?

video complements of clams 111’s Channel

A Pink Squiggly worm that looks good enough to eat!

What is it really?

Didn't Mario Beat This Thing Already?

The Gaping Jaws of death of the Alligator Snapping Turtle. Not that its prey gets a chance to find out. The Alligator Snapping Turtle is the largest freshwater turtle in the world, and just like your common fisherman, it knows how good worms are for bait. This process works so well that some of them live to 100 years of age!

Just more proof that eating fish keeps you healthy!

Margay There has been one report of a margay using mimicry of the cry of an infant pied tamarin to try to lure an adult tamarin within striking distance Wikipedia
Octopus Octopus: The Ocean's Intelligent Invertebrate  By Jennifer A. Mather, Roland C. Anderson, James B. Wood
Assassin bug   ^ a b Signal, A.E. . & Taylor, P.W. (2008). "Biology and life history of the araneophagic
assassin bug Stenolemus bituberus including a morphometric analysis of the instars (Heteroptera, Reduviidae)."
Alligator Snapping Turtle Evolution: the first four billion years By Michael Ruse, Joseph Travis

The 5 Funniest Badass Drunks of All Time

Written by Jason Scott. Posted in Daily Daft, Funny But True

#1 Charles Bukowski

Sniff Sniff.....”Your Mothers @#$# smells like.....uhh...carpet cleaner”.

Sniff Sniff.....”Your Mother's @#$# smells like.....uhh...carpet cleaner”.

Sniff Sniff…..”Your Mother’s @#$# smells like…..uhh…carpet cleaner”.

A Classic line from the movie Bar Fly. Mickey Rourke’s portrayal of the alcoholic writer Henry Chinaski is absolutely Epic. A pugilistic street drunk with class, Rourke gives us a humorously insane view into the life and mind of Chinaski’s author character.

Why He’s Funny:

The Movie Bar Fly is set in Chinaski’s personal hell, a hell he seems to need and somewhat enjoy.  Throughout the movie he delivers his lines as if he is some sort of royalty, a drunk above all the other impoverished drunks. Even when he gets the #$%t kicked out of him he seems to do it in style.

At one point he is so drunk he cant even get his key in the door lock and instead kicks it down.  Upon solving his dilemma, he immediately passes out in a chair.  Of course when he wakes up, he begins to realize that he’s in someone else’s apartment, and raids the fridge on the way out.

Why He’s Baddass:

He’s right at rock bottom with nothing to lose, and he walks around like he owns the place. Not only does he constantly fight losing battles, he enjoys it. He also seems to have a cool line for almost any chaotic circumstance. At one point he stands up to a knife wielding maniac with with his fists and ends up gutting the guy who remarks “nothing but dumb luck” to which Rourke smiles and points his finger saying “Yeah, but that counts too”

#2 Bad Santa.

Hes very naughty . . . and not very nice

Marcus: More booze, more bullshit, more butt-f$#%ing Willie: Sure, the 3 B's.

Why He’s Funny:

Hes a horny guy dressed up in a Santa suit. Billy Bob Thorton’s overall alacrity and disdain as the avatar of a drunken, hateful mall Santa is contrasted perfectly by his equally vicious accomplice mall elf.

Why He’s Badass:

Hes a bitter foul mouthed alcoholic who beats up kids and bangs women in his Santa suit.

Yes, he actually beats up a kid, but its not how it sounds. Okay, it is how is sounds, but he does it in a funny way. Essentially Billy Bob Thorton is an unloved Bad Ass Drunk, who only thinks of himself. He gets befriended by a young boy, who is being looked after by his senile grandmother. Billy moves in and finds that the young boy brings about a spark of goodness in him. At first, he just likes the fact that the kid is bringing him his morning vodka. After a while though, the Bad Santa starts to “feel” human again. When he sees the young kid being bullied by a larger kid, he steps in and beats up the lead bully. Of course, to be fair he did try and give some parenting advice in this memorable scene:

Bad Santa: Jesus, kid. When I was your age, I didn’t need no fucking gorilla. And I wasn’t as big as one of your legs. Four kids beat me up one time and I went crying home to my daddy. You know what he did?
Kid: He made it all better?
Bad Santa: No, he kicked my ass. You know why?
Kid: Because you went to the bathroom on mommy’s dishes?
Bad Santa: What the f%^k? No!
Kid: He tried to teach you not to cry and be a man?
Bad Santa: No. It’s because he was a mean, drunk, son of a bitch. And when he wasn’t busy busting my ass, he was putting cigarettes out on my neck. The world ain’t fair. You’ve gotta take what you need when you can get it. You’ve gotta learn to stand up for yourself. You have to stop being a pussy and kick these kids in the balls or something.
[the kid stares at Santa]
Bad Santa: Or don’t. Shit. I don’t care. Just leave me the hell out of it.
Kid: Okay. Thanks Santa.

# 3 Barney

Someone Spilled Beer in this Ash Tray!...Slurp

Barney: I'm Barney Gumble, and I'm an alcoholic. Lisa: Mr Gumble, this is a girl scout meeting. Barney: Is it? Or is it that you girls can't admit that you have a problem?

Why He’s Funny:

Hes the drunk of the drunks and has crazy lines like: “In case you get hungry, there’s an open beer in the fridge.”

Barney was actually inspired by “Barney Ruble” of the Flintstones, as sort of a sidekick for Homer. Later the writers would draw inspiration from a character called “Crazy Guggenheim” from the Jackie Gleason Show, and “Norm Peterson” from the 80 classic sitcom “Cheers”

Barney was even able to make a serious in depth look into his alcoholism seem light hearted by naming his biographic documentary “Pukahontas” which won first prize at the Springfield’s Film Festival over a man getting hit in the groin with a ball.

Why He’s Baddass:

He had the tenacity to take former heavy weight boxer Joe Frazier outside one on one. He also bullied homer out of the snow plow business and was accepted into one of Nasa’s space programs.

Britain’s The Guardian once said that Barney “Should be hailed for making compulsive drinking a source of comedy on US TV, a hitherto impossible dream.”
Perhaps they were right.

#4 Drunken Master.

Dr. Necrosis: You are not what I expected Agent Tag. Although your disguise as a buffon was most convincing.

Dr. Necrosis: You are not what I expected Agent Tag. Although your disguise as a buffoon was most convincing.

Why He’s Funny:

He acts out the personality of 8 Drunken gods

A young trouble maker Wong Fei Hung (sometimes dubbed as “Freddie Wong”) seems to have a penchant for getting into trouble. First he teaches an overbearing assistant martial arts teacher a lesson in humility. Then, he hits on a woman as to impress his friends, only to get his ass handed to him by her older female guardian. Finally, he beats up a young punk who just so happens to be the son of one of the town’s most influential men.

Wong’s father steps in with disciplinary action and sends Wong to be trained by a martial arts master named Begger So. It just so happens that this master has garnered a reputation for crippling his students during his training. Wong decides to flee rather than face his punishment, but finds himself in trouble once more for stealing a meal from a local restaurant owner. Luckily, when fighting off the staff of the restaurant, a drunken bum from the street comes to Wongs aid and helps him escape the brutal onslaught. Unfortunately for Wong, the drunkard turns out to be Beggar So, the Drunken Master.

The training is an effective comedy of drunken errors from 8 drunken immortals and is probably the perfect role for a young Jackie Chan.

Why He’s Badass

The Drunker he gets the tougher he gets

When drinking a potion right before the movies final fight, Wong gets a Popeye effect and becomes a serious contender for Yan (The Boss at the end of the Movie) Yan counters by resorting to his secret technique, the Devil’s Shadowless Hand, which Wong is unable to defeat. Wong confesses that he did not master the 8th last style so Beggar So tells him to combine the seven styles and create his own version of the 8th style in a sort of “Jeet Kune Do” fashion. The culmination of the 7 styles with wongs interpretation give birth into a new 8th Drunken God fighting style and Wong becomes the new Drunken Master.

#5 Withnail and I

I dont advise a haircut, man. All hairdressers are in the employment of the government. Hair are your aerials. They pick up signals from the cosmos and transmit them directly into the brain. This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight.

I don't advise a haircut, man. All hairdressers are in the employment of the government. Hair are your aerials. They pick up signals from the cosmos and transmit them directly into the brain. This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight.

Why He’s Badass:

He drives a Jaguar Mark 2, drinks lighter fluid and Fishes with a Shot gun. What more can we say?

Why He’s Funny:

Withnail and I gives us a view into the ups and down of two struggling, unemployed actors during the disillusionment from the 1960s love movement, into the 1970s disco era. Withnail is the overly flamboyant alcoholic contrasted by his anxiety obsessed friend Marwood.

Withnail is the embodiment of scorn and indignation over life’s injustices, and spends his days getting coins to use in the meters that provide gas or electricity, waiting in line for social security payments, or waiting for the bars to open their doors so he has a nice warm place to get drunk.

All this hard work leaves Withnail and Marwood needing a holiday and Withnail somehow convinces his crazy uncle to loan him his country cottage for a vacation (his uncle’s only companion is a cat that he is seen constantly arguing with)

Withnail and I has to be mentioned in the list of Badass Funny Drunks, even if its black comedic scorn is a little depressing and disturbing.

5 Common Meanings Behind your Warped Dreams

Written by Jason Scott. Posted in Daily Daft

Being Chased

Odor-able Kitty

Odor-able Kitty

A Chaser in your dreams can be very unsettling, (unless of course its a beer chaser to a shot of liquor). Generally in these dreams, we are under a constant fear and pressure to escape. Because we instinctively run from what’s chasing us, the fear in this dream is constant and is not usually sudden enough to wake us up. In a lot of cases the threat is more uncomfortable than the wound. If you feel that you are being chased by something that may want to do more than wound you, your dream may be a reflection of the fear of facing death or permanent change in part of your life. The chaser in your dream may also be something as obscure as an emotion. Sometimes we bury our emotions deep inside because we judge them to be inappropriate or “getting in the way” of the will of our conscious mind. When we do this, we actually create stress and pressure that requires release.

If you analyze what is chasing you, it might be possible to see what type of emotion is suppressed and needs to be addressed. It could be anything from Guilt, Fear, Happiness, or even Love.

The name you give the chasing emotion doesn’t really matter. Only your judgment of it does. Just be easy on him if you tell peppy le pew he isn’t your type.


Some Naked Dreams arent that fun

Some Naked Dreams aren't this fun

Carter Pewterschmidt “Why are you naked in my house?”
Peter Griffen: “Why Aren’t You!”
Carter Pewterschmidt: (long pause of silence)“You’re alright Griffen”

-Family Guy Season 5, Episode 13: “Bill and Peter’s Bogus Journey”

So you’re naked in your dream, in front of everyone staring at you. If this is a recurring dream for you, you’re not alone. Although there are many situations where you may be naked in a dream and not even know it, the common “Naked” dream is usually personified by others staring at your nakedness, or your nakedness suddenly being revealed. This is more often a depiction of shame as opposed to guilt, since everyone is equally naked under their own clothes. Ask yourself, how would I feel in real life if suddenly my coworkers saw me naked? How would I feel if strangers on the bus saw me naked? How would I feel if my family saw me naked? Now ask yourself, whose opinion is most valuable to you? Are you more worried in your life about the acceptance and judgments of strangers? Would you shame a stranger who accidentally exposed their nakedness, or feel empathy for them?
These are the types of questions you want to ask when analyzing a naked dream or an “embarrassing” dream. Record them in a dream journal and see how your dreams reflect your real life. For example being nude in a dream while no one else cares (or notices) is often said to symbolize freedom, honesty, and openness.
Comparing your feelings regarding nakedness in your real life to you feelings in your dream, brings us all one step closer to a clothing optional office.

Car Trouble

Car Trouble, by Jeanne DuPrau

Car Trouble, by Jeanne DuPrau

— James Norton(Steven Fry): ‘ What is wrong with the car? ‘
— Ed Walters (Tim Robbins): ‘ Well, my guess is your stroke is too short and your getting premature ignition. (Turns to Catherine) Does it ever feel that way?
Catherine (Meg Ryan) -I’m sure I don’t know what you are talking about

-From the Movie I.Q. 1995

If you happen to live in Hills San Francisco a Dream of a “Malfunctioning Car” could very well turn into an nightmare.

Generally in these dreams we find our vehicle to be out of our control. It could be a malfunctioning braking system, a stuck steering wheel, or you may find yourself heading towards a Thelma and Louise cliff jump to your death.
Most dream analyzers feel that this dream reflects a loss of control in your waking life. Car problems in dreams are often accompanied by the anxiety and fear we experience when we are not in control of our own lives. This loss of control can be kind of like a roller coaster ride, once you’re strapped in, you can’t get off until its over. Figure out if there are any commitments in your waking life that might reflect what you believed to be a nice straight train track, suddenly turning into a loop de loop roller coaster. Once you figure out what commitment it is, you can wait for the next stop and decide if you want to pay another ticket to ride.

Bad or Missing Teeth

odontophobia or “the fear of dentists” is a fear just as common as the dream of decaying teeth. As connected and logical as it may seem, the decaying teeth dream is generally considered to have an entirely different premise all together.

The Standard bad tooth usually involves loose or decaying teeth in your mouth, or possibly teeth that are actually falling out. Some feel that at a basic level its a sign of our insecurities about feeling unattractive, while at a deeper level it can signify a fear of losing control over your life, or even some sort of repressed embarrassment.

Some Dream Interpreters feel that Teeth are symbolic of decision making efficacy. An analogy could be “biting off more than you can chew”. Try and find the feelings associated within the dream and see if they relate to any changes in your life. Sometimes, a loss of teeth is just part of a transition phase like that of baby teeth to adolescence, so it may just be your crazy subconscious mind trying to communicate to your sane conscious mind that you need to adapt to change.


(it wakes you up so you remember it)

The falling dream has always been thought to be one of the most common dreams because it wakes you up. Really though, its probably just one of the most memorable.

A Falling experience in a dream may be less about the height from which you are falling, and more about the feeling of not being attached to the ground. This “ungrounded” feeling can be very disturbing and sometimes equated with death or loss of reality.

According to physicists. The absence of wind resistance makes falling a “free fall” speeds (10m/s) is exactly the same feeling as floating in space, a feeling that is foreign to most human beings on the planet earth. The waking fall can sometimes be our subconscious mind reminding our bodies that we are sleeping in an inappropriate time or place. Other times it may be a deep look into “despair” in our waking lives.

Some psychologists feel that falling dreams occur most frequently when you are overwhelmed in life and ready to give up. The falling may signify imbalance, insecurity, anxiety, inferiority, or loss of control. (It may also be just that you fell in your dream). According to Sigmund Freud, the falling dream was an indication that the dreamer is considerably lacking indiscretion and standing at the threshold of giving into sexual urges and impulses, but for all we know he could have just been trying to hypnotize his female patience into sleeping with him.

Either way, the falling dream won’t kill you if you hit the ground, nor will you die of a heart attack in real life if you die in your dream. So if you see Freddy Kruger and he’s chasing your naked toothless body in a malfunctioning car that falls off a cliff, just remember you’ll be okay, you’re just a little overwhelmed with your waking life.

8 Things that Just Can’t be Good for You

Written by Jason Scott. Posted in Daily Daft

You Don’t have to be Elvis to know that fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches aren’t good for you. In fact serving for serving a fried monkey sandwich is probably less fattening. Back in the 1950s people were a little less horizontally inclined, and a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich wasn’t just appalling due to the high fat, but also due to its overall weirdness. Maybe the sandwich was a tribute the fallen soldiers of the U.S. Banana wars that ended in 1935, or maybe Elvis just liked fried bananas.

Today however, we have a higher tolerance to excessively artery clogging foods, chemical additives, and overall grotesqueness.

Just below, we’ve compiled a list of thing that mother nature probably never intended her children to eat.

First we had chemical warfare, followed by the atomic bomb, then the hydrogen bomb, Starwars lasers, Stealth Jets, and now……….

#1 The indestructible sandwich!

Photo M Tama/Getty Images

photo: M Tama/Getty Images

Yes, the US has put their vast military technology to create what they call “the indestructible sandwich” Even if the Soviet Union gets back together and forms an alliance with kim jong-il Americans can sleep knowing that should the world enter into a post apocalyptic hell, at least we still have our sandwiches.

The Sandwiches are packaged with packets of oxygen scavenging chemicals to prolong their freshness. Mmmmmm……Chemicals. Now leave it to the US military to exaggerate a little. The indestructible sandwich only stays fresh for up to 3 years and carries a striking resemblance to a pizza pocket. Pizza cold the next day, okay maybe. Pizza the next year? uh… just can’t be good for you. Other great winners coming from the military kitchen, “cream” filled bagels (don’t ask us what the cream is) , breakfast burritos, and even peanut-butter sandwiches, unfried without the banana. Sorry Elivis, we know you were a military man. Maybe some day.

#2 Squirming and Squiggling Squid

Ever try Klingon Gagh? The Korean Dish sannakji bears a striking resemblance to this overly unappetizing star trek dish.

If it aint Squirming, it aint Sannakji

"If it aint Squirming, it aint Sannakji"

We don’t mind eating things that are still alive, but we can do without the squirming sensation on the way down.

Sannakji is a variety of Hoe. No, not that kind of hoe. Korean Hoes refer to “Raw” food dishes that are similar to Japanese sushi, or sashimi. This particular hoe is cut up while its still alive and served immediately. The suction cups on this slimy octopus are still active and probably a little pissed off from being chopped into pieces, so you should be careful when eating these things. Tentacles have been known to grab on to parts of someones throat and choke them, especially when they have been drinking (which is pretty much the only we would actually attempt to eat one of these things)

#3 Deep Fried Coke:

Deep Fried Coke is not Crack!  Photo by:

Deep Fried Coke is not Crack!

Considering that coke used to have cocaine in it, this may be a healthy improvement, but still….This can’t be good for you.

Essentially Deep Fried Coke is frozen Coca-Cola flavored batter that gets deeps fried and topped with Coke Syrup, whipped cream, cinnamon sugar, and a cherry. It sports around 830 calories per cup. As far as we know, nobody has made claim of a “deep fried” Pepsi yet, so this aspect of the cola wars is still up for grabs.

#4 Fried brain sandwich

A Zombie favorite!

You take a cow, cut out its brain, deep fry it, and put it between two pieces of bread! If you’re not already crazy, the mad cow disease loves to hang out in the brain, so eating these things might actually give you an express trip to the loony bin.

#5 Rocky mountain oysters

We know bull testicles are high in protein, but we can’t believe eating them, let alone chopping them off, is good for your health.

When you Cut These Off Does the Bull Start Saying Moo?

"When you Cut These Off Does the Bull Start Saying Moo?"

Before you deep fry them, you have to peel them first. (Yes, you have to peel them…ughh) Sometimes they are pounded flat and served as an appetizer with a cocktail sauce (insert your own cocktail pun here)

If you wish to avoid eating these things by accident, it helps to know the more common names for them.

Canada – “Prairie Oysters” May be served with demi glace

Oklahoma, North Texas – Calf Fries

Spain and Mexico – Criadillas or “Huevos del toro” (no they are not on the Taco Bell menu)

They may also go by more colorful names like: “Cowboy caviar”, “Montana tendergroins”, “dusted nuts”, “bull fries”, or “Swinging Beef”

Caveat Emptor


What the hell do you get when you take some eggs, stuff it into a chicken, then stuff the chicken into a sheep, and then stuff the sheep into a camel and Roast it? You get

Roasted Whole Stuffed Camel!

(sorry if the name is anticlimactic)

This Photo in no way implies that hes going to stuff that Camel

This Photo in no way implies that he's going to stuff that Camel

Why would anyone make such an abomination? Tradition of course! When marrying into a prestigious Bedouin family you don’t want to come across as the iconoclastic in-law who frowns upon a good camel roast.

Sorry, no Photo of a whole stuffed camel.  Its still possible that it fits in the urban/dessert legend category.

#7 Casu Marzu

Sure…It doesn’t look that bad. But what is it?

Rotting Sheeps Milk......MMMMMMM

Rotting Sheeps Milk......MMMMMMM

Rotting sheep milk cheese infected by insect larvae. Yes, known by the romanticized name fromagio marcio, its a cheese that comes riddled with insect larvae. The larvae help the cheese decompose into a soft partial liquid form. When disturbed, these larvae have been known to jump distances up to 6 inches, so most diners hold their hands above the cheese while eating. Jumping maggots means its safe to eat, while eating dead maggots its considered “unhealthy” This just proves once again that healthy food is less appetizing and unhealthy food.

#8 Poisonous snake wine

Its just like tequila where you drink the worm, but in this case its a cobra!

"Damn you G.I Joe!"

There are 2 types of snake wine. The first type being “steeped” wine. Here you take a large poisonous snake with a bunch of smaller snakes and throw them in a glass jar filled with ice wine and medicinal herbs. The second type of ice wine is “Mixed” Here you take the body fluids from the snake and pour them into your wine and drink them. It is believed by the Vietnamese that the snake wine increase both health and sexual performance, so it could be considered a natural alternative to Viagra.

On the Lighter side of things, a Diet consisting of only these foods is pretty much guaranteed to make someone lose weight.

If you are going to live life, you might as well try each one.  As they say in Bizarro world, You only die once.

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5 Ways the Media is Brainwashing Us

Written by Jason Scott. Posted in Daily Daft

#1 The Umbrella Corporation

Image by Zeusandhera

They’re the Agents of Death of the Consumer World. They infuse their products with everything from Urea (an agent found in human pee) to Radioactive Polonium. They go after children at the earliest age their parents will allow by coming up with great marketing plans like advertising in Candy Stores and Ice Cream Trucks. Who are they? They’re our…. uhhhh….Moms? Serving us Tang and bringing us Oreo Cookies? How did this happen?

Its Called the Halo Effect.

No The Halo Effect is not some radioactive way to engineer zombies. It was first supported by Edward Thorndike as a way of proving that both guilt and reverence, are judged by the association. The Halo effect is a “cognitive bias” in that one trait is influenced by the perception of another, which is kind of like assuming blonde hair and lack of intelligence go hand in hand.

For Example

Philip Morris had a problem of not being liked by the general public due to their association with other cigarette companies. These companies were generally thought to be “evil” in the eyes of consumers, many of whom have been hearing horror stories from the world of tobacco since they were in grade school. To correct this perception of being a group of evil minions who try and poison our children, Philip Morris decided to implement the “Halo” Effect by Purchasing one of the most well known family brands in the U.S.A…..Kraft Foods.

Although this weakened Kraft’s Brand due to “poor association”, it in turn strengthened the image of Philip Morris and separated them from the their previous association with “The Grim Reaper”

Other less drastic examples of the Halo effect could be Steve Job’s ability to increase computer sales with the success of the iPod, Serious Satellite and Howard Stern, and pretty much anything Oprah talks about.

One good product or brand does not mean that every product associated with it is equally as good. If you find yourself “cell phone shopping” and the Apple representative says something like “these aren’t the droids you’re looking for” You might want to grab hold of your independent thought before your out $500 bucks.

#2 The Decoy Effect

Unlike the Halo Effect, the Decoy Effect makes a product look better by creating a contrasting product that’s complete garbage.

Photo by MMarchin

For example: If a customer is considering purchasing one of two TVs, they will most likely see both price and screen size as major factors, as pointed out in the table below:

tv table

Some customers will go for the price while others will push for the screen size.

Now lets just suppose the store needs to sell more of TV A due to higher margins or a newer model coming in etc. By introducing TV C (A TV the store has no intention or desire to sell), stores lead the customer to choose TV A.

tv table2

Why do customers choose TV A?

Customers will generally avoid buying TV C, which now acts as a comparison for both TVs “A” and “B” Because A is better than C in 2 aspects, while B is only better in 1 aspect, TV A gets a perceived “Better Value” Hook line and Sinker.

#3  Smell Ya Later



We maybe a few years away from smello’vision TV, but that hasn’t stopped marketers.

In one hardware store, the smell of fresh cut grass made customers think the staff was more intelligent. In an appliance store, the pumped in smell of an apple pie made the sales of ovens and fridges go up 23%.

Food purveyors have known about this for years. When a company specializes on one particular type of food (like cinnamon buns for instance) they will make a point to allow the aroma to filter our toward hungry customers as a way of tickling their appetites. Smell increases Hunger and works better than even celebrity endorsements. And no, it is not limited to food. Hunger makes us buy more computers, videos, gadgets, pretty much anything. To save money, never go shopping when you are hungry. We are after all, “Consumers”

#4 Energy Efficiency

Energy use is on the rise! Who’s to blame? The makers of energy efficient products!

The Snackwell Effect shows the self defeating nature of humanity and occurs when dieters eat more food because its labeled as “diet” or “fat free” However the principle has been shown in other areas as well. “Energy efficient” products tend to get used more often than “non energy efficient” products, while “light” cigarette are notorious for getting people to smoke more often and increase their addiction. You can’t blame the corporations for this one though. This fault lands directly square in the consumer’s lap.

#5 Up late playing Video Games?

Its no Coincidence your character has to go into that Pizza Hut.

Pizza Video Games

It is now possible for you to order a pizza from your local pizza place while inside your virtual life game. And yes, the pizza arrives at your real world door. Food is the champion of all impulse items. The trick to selling food it to be in front of someone when they are no longer full. So how do you reach someone who is completely engulfed in a virtual world? Simple. Become part of it.

By cooperating with, Dynamedia has made it possible to order a pizza through the “second life” reality world. It doesn’t stop there however. They are also releasing “VirtuReal” which allows Second Life citizens to use their in world Linden Dollars for real goods. Yes, its the dawn of virtual currencies. The Question is, who will they go after when you don’t pay your virtual credit card. Take My Virtual Wife…Please!


Decoy Effect: Essentials of Personnel Assessment and Selection

By Robert M. Guion, Scott Highhouse pg 315


Halo Effect: Understanding Brands  By Peter Cheverton

Buyology: Smello’vision

The Buying Brain: Secrets for Selling to the Subconscious Mind

By A. K. Pradeep

4 Things That Can Get you Stoned!

Written by Jason Scott. Posted in Daily Daft, Funny But True

According to Bob Dylan, “Everybody must get stoned.” At least that’s what he sings in the song “Rainy Day Woman” which was banned by some radio stations due to the “Reefer Madness” at the time. We at Daft Gadgets have challenged Dylan’s philosophy, by compiling a list of things proven to get people stoned to death, in the hopes of helping our readers avoid such a horrible experience.

#1 Prophesying

Taken literally, prophesying could be anything from a weatherman to a economist.

In this day and age, we have learned to take horoscopes, weather forecasts, and the latest version of Y2K with a grain of salt. Years ago however, things were different.  A false prophesy could ruin the leader of an entire nation.

When the Aztecs saw the approach of the conquistadors, they reported to their great leader that there were mountains on the water moving toward Mexico. Their leader, Monteczuma, upheld the prophesy that the wind god Questzalcoatl would return in the year 1519 or “1 Reed, 9 Wind” according to the Aztec calendar which just happened to coincide with the arrival of Cortes. When he arrived, the Aztecs viewed him as the Feathered Serpent God of the Wind who had returned from his study abroad in “the Abyss” to reclaim Mexico.

As you can tell the resemblance of Cortes and Questzalcoatl is uncanny:

Of course being confused with the legendary wind god made it much easier for Cortes to slaughter them. Gradually the great Aztec empire was stripped of its gold relics which were then melted down, and their great leader Monteczuma was gradually turned into a puppet. In the end, the Prophesy killed him, as Monteczuma was stoned to death by his own people for supporting the false wind god Cortes.

#2 Winning the Lottery

“The Lottery” says Kent Brockman “is a chilling tale of conformity gone mad”

Aint that the truth. In Shirley Jacksons town, the first thing you do after winning the lottery, is get stoned.

This video may explain more:

#3 Listening to St Peter.

Let’s face it, humans were a lot more cruel and sadistic a few thousand years ago and St Peter’s job is to get human’s through the pearly gates.

He probably has a quota to fill and shortage of good people to fill it with.

Enter Pancratius. The Patron Saint of Taormina. He withdrew from society into a cave where Saint Peter found him. Saint Peter told Pancratius to stop hiding in his cave and get to Sicily where he will become the first bishop of Tauromenium. This sounded like a good idea at the time, and Pancratius set out on his mission. Unfortunately for him this was a trap, and Pancratius was stoned to death by pagans, but hey, a quotas a quota.

#4 Pissing off Vikings

“Excuse me sir, have I told you about our lord Jesus Christ?”

Why Wouldnt a Viking Want to Kill this Guy?

Why Wouldn't a Viking Want to Kill this Guy?

Yes, Jehovah’s Witnesses generally get let off the hook when they attempt recruitment in today’s modern world. This is probably due to the fact that they have learned who to piss off and How far they can go and when to stop.

Finding god and religion is great, and its wonderful if you become enthusiastic about it and want to share you experience with others. However, it still requires enough common sense to not go running into a synagogue or mosque preaching about Jesus during their prayer time. This is just common sense and good manners, at least you would think.

Amateur proselytizers like Saint Eskil however, had to learn their lessons, the hard way. Around the year 1080, Saint Eskil decided to take his journey and bible into the Viking holy land of Stangnas. There he decided that it was a good idea to inform the heathen Vikings (who were in the middle of a prayer session) that they were praying to the wrong god, and they needed to accept his version of religion as the one true religion. Unfortunately for Eskil, the punishment for disrupting a Viking holy ritual was Stoning.

Our advice, Don’t piss off a Viking

Source: Catholic Encyclopedia


The Bible: Leviticus

A history of Rome: Amply illustrated with maps, plans, and engravings By Robert Fowler Leighton

Mythology: Myths, Legends and Fantasies  By Struik Publishers, Janet Parker, Alice Mills, Julie Stanton

The 5 Worst Species to be if you are Male

Written by Jason Scott. Posted in Daily Daft

Both Genders have their ups and downs but there’s a reason why Mariticide is used primarily for the death of the male in the relationship. Fatal attraction, basic instinct, play misty for me, are all looks into the darker and deeper side of the female gender that existed well before anyone had ever heard the name Lorena Bobbitt.  In some species, it just doesn’t pay to be a man.

#1 Scorpions

“It was amazing we were off in the woods, sparks were flying and the next thing I know we were making love on the ground, man these stun guns work great!”

Maybe you’ve heard this one, but if you’re a male scorpion, you’ve lived it.

Why it Sucks:

Scorpions can be found everywhere from mountains, deserts, tropics, caves and your bedroom slippers. Like cockroaches they have a natural proclivity for survival and have been known to somehow survive in post nuclear blast sites. There survival skills are probably based on their paranoid beliefs that everyone is trying to kill them. Well, its not paranoia if its true. The Scorpion’s natural enemies include: mammals, frogs, salamanders, lizards, owls, bats, centipedes, and oh yeah, SCORPIONS!

How They Deal With it:

When mating, the male scorpion has to sting the female in order to prevent her from eating him. So not only does he get a loveless sex life, he’s also got to choose between life and sex. Now, we can’t say being a female scorpion is that much better. There are plenty of woman out there who might get a little “no holds barred” if they were to awake to the sight of a naked midget on top of them with a stun gun.

#2 Spiders

photo by M Hedin on Flickr

photo by M Hedin on Flickr

Why it sucks

Spiders are known for sexual cannibalism. Some people call it the females “Basic Instinct” others say that this is the males way of sacrificing himself for the better of the species. However, if your Spiderman, you probably say that this is just a raw deal.

The Majority of the time, a female spider will participate in sexual cannibalism for no better reason that a pure slaughter of opportunity. This occurs most frequently when the female is much larger in comparison to the male. A male Tidarren sisyphoides spider is only 1% of the size of a female, which may be one of the most extreme cases of sexual dimorphism in the world.

How they Deal with it

Sometimes the males have to buy (kill and catch) dinner to distract the females from devouring them. Others like the Austrailian Redback spider, actually sacrifice themselves for longer and better sex. This also improves the chances of the eggs getting fertilized.

#3 Praying Mantis:

Why it Sucks

Praying mantises are anything but penitent in the act of mating. Their Red Queen Decapitation Obsession is as infamous in the insect world as it is in ours.

Since a large mantise can eat small birds, mice, and lizards, the male is like a small snack after copulation, or maybe the insect version of a cigarette.

How they Deal with it

Best Chance, jump her exoskelton while shes already chowing down. Second best chance, wait for an ideal opportunity to dismount without prompting the female into a cannibalistic rage, and slowly, slowly, back away.

#4 Honey Bee

Why it Sucks

They’re the Borg slaves of the insect world,

If the hive is in an area with sever winter temperatures, the drones are forced out of the hive in autumn in to the cold. As well, drones are completely defenseless since their stingers are actually their reproductive organs.

How They Deal with it

Hope of winning the “so you think you can dance” lottery. If they are lucky enough to dance in way that gets them chosen by the virgin queen, they get some genital blowing sex, litterally. Should a drone actually win the lottery and succeed in mating, it will soon die because the penis and associated abdominal tissues are ripped from the drone’s body at sexual intercourse.

#5 Silverback Gorillas

Photo by Phil Romans

Photo by Phil Romans

Why it sucks

They are over 400 lbs strong, with one of the smallest proportional penises found in Nature. Its about 1-1/2 inches (maybe this is a better argument for the strife of the “female” gorilla)

How they Deal with it

They Become tough enough to beat the shit out of anyone who thinks their penis is better. If he can prove to be Physically dominant, A male silverback Gorilla will mate with a Harem of 20 – 30 females that he has all to himself. Of course, scientists have found that some of these females pretend “not to be pregnant” in order to monopolize the majority of the sex.


Scorpions of Southern Africa  By Jonathan Leeming pg 35

Find Out about Spiders

By Barbara Hutton – pg 14

Praying mantis – New Scientist 3 Dec 1987

Mole Rats

Honey Bee Artificial Intelligence and Computational Intelligence: International …

By Hepu Deng

Human genetics for the social sciences

By Gregory Carey

The Book of naturalists: an anthology of the best natural history

By William Beebe pg 475

6 Ways to Abuse Superpowers Too Evil For Comic Books

Written by Jason Scott. Posted in Daily Daft

As uncle Ben said (Peter Parker’s uncle not the rice maker) “With great power comes great responsibility, yadda, yadda, yadda ……..Arrrgghh, Ive just been shot!” Anyway, lets face it, Uncle Ben is probably nothing but a damn hypocrite. If he had X-ray vision you can bet that old coot would be down at an all girls catholic high school faster than Aunt May can pull her teeth out.

Now at Daft Gadgets, we encourage a little prankster fun here and there and firmly believe that adding superpowers to a prank can only increase the enjoyment of demolishing someones ego. That being said, there are some things so diabolical that even the most evil of comic book villains have had the conscience to refrain from doing.  The first being……

Cool Photo Ref Matthew Tabor

#1  Invisibility –

Telling virgins you’re God to trick them into letting you deflower them.

Okay, this is low even for us. Sure its probably difficult to pick up girls if you’re invisible, even if you’re a hot invisible guy. But tricking someone into thinking they’re conceiving the next messiah is just wrong. Not only that, if history has taught us anything it is that new religions are likely create new wars, and if they ever stop fighting and start working together, you can bet the first they they do will be to create a “re-visible” gun to expose you for the fraud you are. You may have a little fun at first, but in the end you’ll probably end up creating the antichrist.

Don’t think Invisibility is Possible? Think Again

Time Magazines coolest invention of 2003 was a prototypical camouflage system designed by 3 professors of the University of Tokyo. A camera would take a shot of the background and display it on a cloth using an external projector. Yes, just like the Aliens in Predator (at least that’s how we assume they do it).

In 2008 the university of California at Berkeley and the Lawrence Berkely National Laboratory unveiled their creation of a “metamaterial” that had a “negative refraction index”. This basically means that light doesn’t reflect or refract on it, but bends around the material. Right now it only works in microwaves frequencies, and no, you can’t try it out on your pets.

#2 Super hearing –

(Using your super hearing powers to expose more wiki leaks.)

Eric Hancock

Don’t think super hearing is possible? Think again…

The United Launch Alliance ULA has been launching NRO geosynchronous eavesdroppers for quite some time. In the future, super hearing could be just a “Hack” Away

What the heck is a Geosynchronous Eavesdropper you ask?

Its basically a satellite that stays in the same spot all the time since it turns in tune with the earths rotation period. These satellites are pointed toward earth rather than “into space” the term is often confused with “geostationary” in that the satellite would remain in a circular orbit around the equator.

Although hacking satellites remains primarily in the orbit of military hackers, it won’t be forever. Who knows what some crazy hacker might do if they grabbed control of one of these things? Perhaps Wikileaks might get a bit more exciting.

#3 Invincibility

Making people think they accidentally killed you, then pretending to come back to life as one of those fast zombies from 28 days later

Hannibal Lecter Wasnt a Zombie and He Liked to Eat Brains

Hannibal Lecter Wasn't a Zombie and He Liked to Eat Brains

Don’t think reanimating the dead is possible? Think again…..

Remember Dolly the sheep? Soon we will be able to create cloned humans. Then all we’ll need is a medical plan with brain transplant coverage. Nature however, has been in the cloning business for thousands of years. A clone is simply one living thing made from another, leading to two organisms with identical genes.  Kinda like how identical twins share the same DNA

The Missyplicity Project

One couple believes their dog has the perfect bark, the perfect howl, and the perfect personality. As such, they decided to pay 2.3 Million dollars to Texas A&M University to clone their dog, Missy. Scientists are hailing this for its scientific achievement naming it “Missyplicity Project.” As we move forward, sometimes it pays to look ahead.

#4 Super healing –

Pealing off your skin and flicking it at people

Don’t Think Super Healing is possible?  Think Again….

NASA technology used for plant growth now in clinical trials

NASA technology used for plant growth now in clinical trials

Using powerful light emitting diodes, or “LEDs”, originally designed for commercial plant growth research in space, scientists have discovered the healing power of light.  Soon our doctors may be carrying thermal re-generators with capabilities beyond the minds of the Marvel Comics and Star Trek Universes

#5 Heat vision –

Cyclops projecting an optic blast. Art by Jack Kirby.

Holding the world ransom by threatening to Melt the polar ice caps with your heat vision–

Don’t think Heat Vision is possible? Think Again….

On march 18th 2009 Northrop Grumman announced they had successfully built and tested a CO2 laser capable of producing a 100 kilowatt beam, powerful enough to destroy and airplane or a tank. Yes electric laser are now being manufactured at weapons grade power levels. Now we just need to get it in gadget form.

Now There are still a bunch of technical issues like “thermal management” and “miniaturization” , so a Han Solo style blaster may not be here tomorrow, but they can be seen on the horizon.

#6 X-ray Vision

Getting addicted to your power and accidentally giving all the hot chicks breast cancer.

Photo by Karen Roe

Don’t think x-ray vision is possible? Think again…..

Security agencies are experimenting with applications of imaging devices which can “see” through clothing using terahertz waves. These types of devices have already caused a stir of privacy issues since their implementation into airport security systems.

As well certain night-vision equipped video cameras can be modified to see through clothing at a frequency just below visible light by showing variations in “heat radiation” rising from the body. Although this is not technically “X-ray” Vision.

With all the new power technology brings our governments, corporations, and citizens, the best we can hope for is that their parents let them read spiderman comics when they were young.


  1. Time magazine, UC Berkely News

  2. Popular Science Apr 1997 spies in the sky

  3. Encyclopedia of life science, Volume 2

  4. By Katherine E. Cullen
  5. Popular Science Mar 2003 northop gruman co2 laser

  6. Terahertz Science and Technology for Military and Security Applications

By Dwight L. Woolard, James O. Jensen, R. Jennifer Hwu

  1. Cyborg:

digital destiny and human possibility in the age of the wearable computer

  1. .

God’s 5 Favorite Ways to Kill Us

Written by Jason Scott. Posted in Daily Daft, Funny But True

In terms of wiping out humans God has got it down to a science.  In General, God uses 5 different Classical Elements to kill us.  Now this list we’ve compiled is by no means meant to be judged in number of human deaths.  We are merely pointing out the death toll in some cases because we feel it is amusing to people who are alive.  Surely in all fairness, the dead people enjoy laughing at living, so its our stance that there is no need to feel ashamed at laughing at them.  Fair is Fair.

Now on to God’s First Weapon of Choice…..

#1 Land – Earth Quakes

One way God lets us know he’s really pissed off is with earthquakes. Earthquakes are measured on the moment magnitude scale which has replaced the Antediluvian (yes we intended that pun) Richter Scale. The moment magnitude scale doesn’t saturate its higher magnitude range so people no longer have to judge the severity of an earthquake by the intensity of the on site reporter.  As former Gov. Schwarzenegger says “See you at the party Richter!”

How does God do it?

Earthquakes are vibrations in the huge pieces of earth called tectonic plates. These tectonic plates are essentially floating on the melted core of the earth where they bump and grind with each other like a cheesy 70s dance. This grinding leads to an increase in pressure. When God releases this pressure by making the 2 plates slip, those living on top of the tectonic plates experience an earthquake.

What was his Biggest?

The Biggest Earthquake God sent to to destroy us was probably the Great Chilean Earthquake. Almost 25% of the worlds earthquake energy between 1906 – 2005 was concentrated in the Great Chilean Earthquake. It measured 9.5 on the Moment magnitude scale and in Echidna like fashion, spawned multiple concomitant natural disasters including: Floods, Landslides, Tsunamis and even a volcanic eruption!

Now, the Death toll was pretty low, but the psychological damage had people freaked out so much the resurrected the ritual of human sacrifice. Poor 5 year old Jose luis Painecur had his arms and legs chopped off and was stuck in the sand as an offering to the ocean.

Q:“Hey Kid what do you want for your 6th birthday?”

A: “How bout my f@#$ing Limbs back you Bastards!”

Compared to the awesome vengeful power of Mother Nature’s greatest weapon, a nuclear strike doesn’t really seem that bad. At least an implosion seems like you’re going into the light.

Now lets look at some of Gods lesser weapons that can be spawned by this horrible weapon…

#2 Water – Tsunami

For those who saw the movie Point Break back in the 90s Bodhi’s dream was to ride a giant tsunami during what he called the “50 Year Storm” If you go back to 1987 there was a movie called “Back to the Beach” where the main character regained his surfing rep by taking on “The Big Kahuna”

Although we believe the idea of surfing on top of a title wave as you crush scampering villagers under you surf board a very humorous concept, it may not be practical in real life.

Make no mistake about it. Tsunamis are sent to kill you.

How does God do it?

With earthquakes, generally, but sometimes he’s just trying to show off

What was his Biggest?

In real life the largest tsunami was probably in 1958s Latoya Bay of Alaska. It was caused when God made huge rock fall into the ocean from 3,000 feet above. This created a 1,720 foot tall wave (about a third of a mile), the highest ever recorded in history. We cant really say that god was out to get anyone with this wave since it had a zero death toll, while the 2004 Indonesian Tsunami killed almost 230,000 people. But what we can say that the Latoya Bay wave was 17 times bigger than that one.

#3 Fire – Volcanoes

Deep from within the molten core of the earth or from a lightning bolt in the sky, god uses fire to give us a taste of hell. Breathing, consuming and multiplying, Fire is thought by many to be a life form in itself.

The largest forest fire in history is probably the Miramichi Fire in New Brunswick 1825. Like most forest fires, the Miramichi Fire was probably started by some foolish humans, and not Gods fault.

Volcanoes however, are another story.

Hiroshima was just another lame attempt to impress Mommy and Daddy

Hiroshima was just another lame attempt to impress Mommy and Daddy

How Does God Do it?

Like an earthquake, when two tectonic plates come together one gets forced underneath into the hot mantle (a layer under mother nature’s skin that is a “hot spot“. Kinda like an erogenous zone) God then stimulates this zone as a way of increasing pressure and heat. The result is that some of the rocks in the tectonic plate melts and become what is known as “magma” which is released in the form of an eruption, kind like an orgasm.

What was the Biggest?

The super-colossal eruption of Mount Tambora on April 1815. This Eruption was rated 7 on the Volcanic Explosivity Index, dwarfing all other eruptions in history (the exception possibly being the Lake Taupo eruption in 180 AD that nobody was around to see)

Mount Tambora killed around 71,000 people and created what was known as the Volcanic Winter. 1816 became the “Year Without a Summer” because of the effect it had on the North American and European weather. It also created the worst famine of the 19th century as Agricultural crops failed and Livestock perished. All in all, a volcanic eruption sent by God, gives up all a little taste of hell on earth.

No wonder so many Religions regard Sex as “Evil”

#4 Wind – Tornado

They are known to move from house to house, demolishing one and leaving another untouched. They don’t appear to have any set path and can changed direction on a whim. Some people think they can hide under an overpass and escape from the twisters laser like precision, but they could easily find themselves dead wrong.

Next to disease, the tornado is Gods most precise weapon.

How Does God do it?

Believe it or not, God gets pretty bored. The weather for him is kind of like a Roman Colosseum where the warm, wet winds form the Gulf of Mexico battle the cold dry winds from Canada. The Battlefield where they meet is known as “The Dry Line” The cold Canadian wind attempts to push down the Warm and moist. Gulf of Mexico air, while the Mexican air fights back using the suns heat reflected from the ground below. As the Canadian air begins to sink through the rising Mexican air, the Mexican air begins to spin upward. The result being a tornado.

What was Gods Biggest?

Like toilets, Tornadoes rotate clockwise in the southern hemisphere and counter clockwise in the northern hemisphere. They are measured on the “Fujita Scale”, which measures the damage tornadoes inflicted on our inferior to nature human built structures and vegetation.

The Biggest tornado ever is hard to measure since the Fujita Scale is fairly new. As far as destruction goes, the most damaging tornado was The St. Louis-East St. Louis Tornado of May 27, 1896. It cost around $2.9 billion inflation adjusted U.S. Dollars in damages, which is like buying 10 Alaskas or renting 1000 Guantanamo bays for a year.

Tornadoes have also been known to move over 73 mph with wind speeds up to 268 mph. Which is kinda like being chased by a cheetah that doesn’t get tired. Good luck.

#5 Aether or Ether – Earth Crossers

While god may instruct mother nature to kill us in horrible way to teach us a lesson, sometimes he feels that the beings he created are a failed experiment and he needs to start over.

Enter the Asteroid.

An Asteroid is Capable of wiping out anything from an entire species to the entire planet. The death toll is by far the largest as is the impact and destruction.

How does he do it?

He lets the universe clean itself up with gravity. When small particles run into each other softly they stay together due to gravity. If left to their own devices they will eventually become a planet. If these bunches of particles cross the earths orbital path they are called Earth Crossers, otherwise they are known as asteroids.

If one of these Asteroids mysteriously get knocked out of orbit, they have a chance of hitting earth.

What was the Biggest?

Theia, The one that created the moon. Known as the Giant Impact Hypotheses.

Although another hypotheses regarding a larger asteroid has been observed.

According to an article in the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, researchers who analyzed the chemistry of ancient deposits around both China and Japan have concluded that an asteroid 3-7 miles wide hit the Earth about 251 million years ago and led to the Permian Triassic extinction event or “The Great Dying”

Asteroids are essentially gods “do over” weapons of choice, the only question remaining being, “How much more of us can he take?”

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