Let’s face it, real life can be boring and stressful when sober, and sometimes we can all use an escape into a more pleasurable state of existence. Of course this means having money, the Lancelot of boredom slayers. When low on funds, some of us may feel the need to explore cheaper weapons for fighting the Evil Sobriety Monster. The first most obvious place to look would be nature and common things found around the home. This unfortunately, is a mistake that can end up making you Dead Sober.

We think the best way to get around dying from new substances is to let others go first. If they die a horrible painful death, we know not to try that for ourselves.

Here a few things that don’t get you stoned, but might get you dead.

photo from whizzer.com

#1 Licking Toads:

Kissing a toad is never going to get you a prince or princess, unless of course its the Colorado River Toad, then you can expect see anything from a Royal Hottie to a Crazy Leprechaun Clown chasing you to get his gold back. (At least that’s what we were led to believe right before be went on our last toad hunt.)

It turns out however that licking the toad doesn’t work. You actually have to milk to toad first with a little foreplay. The procedure is pretty simple. You need to gently stroke the toad under its chin to initiate the “defensive venom response”. The toad will then start releasing venom that can be later dried for its wonderful psychedelic effects.

However, If you go around chasing and licking toads, you might get locked up in a sanitarium with a constant supply of mind altering drugs. So it is technically practicable to get stoned through this method as well.

#2 An Alcohol Enema – You might want to get a skinnier version

Kinda like this but more kinky

The Alcohol enema is an inscrutable invention that probably came to light during some combination of drinking sex game. Of course, the first person to attempt this must have already been drunk, so it is unlikely the discovery came from necessity.

Without going into details, an alcohol enema is absorbed through your colon and can make you extremely drunk. However it can also make you extremely Dead.

In Through the Out Door

When you absorb alcohol in through the outdoor, so to speak, your intestines absorb the alcohol directly, bypassing your liver’s natural filtration system. The liver is very important in helping you stay alive, and needs to filter out poisonous substances, like alcohol. When you remove it from the filtration process you are more likely to get dead than drunk.

#3 Blue Morning Glorys –

As you may have heard, the seeds of blue morning glorys can send you on a hallucinogenic trip to the spirit world of Alice in Wonderland. This is because The seeds of many species of morning glory contain ergot alkaloids like “ergonovine” and “ergine” (LSA), a close relative to its Psychedelic friend “LSD”

Now some people may think, “Hey, why don’t we go out and get a few hundred seeds to check it out?”
The answer to this question is simple. The seeds are sold to gardeners who may not use them for years to come. To reduce spoilage the seeds are usually covered in a poisonous form of pesticide or methylmercury which has been known to cause wonderful neurological damage.

#4 Freon

Freon

“Freon” is actually a trade name for “chlorofluorocarbons.” which have been known to cause cardiac arrhythmia (irregular heartbeat), and palpitations at very high concentrations. Chlorofluorocarbons are the leading cause of “Sudden Sniffing Death” via the induction of fatal cardiac arrhythmias.

The high experience when sniffing “freon” or “aerosol propellants” is actually your brain suffocating from lack of oxygen and increased Carbon dioxide in the blood. For years there was a myth that the people who partook in sniffing chlorofluorocarbons died because they could not get the plastic bag off their head, which has been proven untrue by science.

freon gets you stoned to death.

#5 Eating bagels for the poppy seeds –

Yes, Chasing the Dragon has caused much turmoil in the eastern continent. It brought down the Legendary Qing Dynasty in 1912 and even allowed Hong Kong to be annexed by the British.

To think, All this war and fighting just to allow bagels into China? Yes, the Poppy seeds are the the seeds of the opium poppy, but hold on before you wolf down a truck full of bagels, because a “truck full” is probably how much it would take to get high of these things.

Poppy seeds do contain tiny amounts of the opium alkaloids “morphine” and “codeine”, and they have been proven to cause a failure on your drug test. But even if you skip the bagels, it is pretty much impossible to get high of poppy seeds. Although there has been a report of concentrated Poppy Seed tea causing Death.

#6 Mimosas.

Champagne and Orange Juice

A Mimosa is a mixture of champagne and orange juice, so they don’t get you high, they get you drunk.

But wait a minute…..

The Mimosa tenuiflra is used in shamanic Ayahuasca or “spirit wine” which has the puzzling characteristic of only causing psychedelic effects when its ingredient are mixed together. It can also be used in tea for tooth pain, to treat coughing and bronchitis, treating leg ulcerations, and has antiseptic applications as well.

The mimosa is known for many curative properties and technically, can get you high if you happen to have access to the shamanic recipe. However, anyone who has had the pleasure of  seeing young guns or family guy knows that its not always a good time when your being hunted by giant chickens.

#1 The Leader: Emperor Wilhelm I

The King of Prussia

Emperor Wilhelm I was the King of Prussia and the First German Emperor. However, the history books show that this great leader was actually playing second fiddle to his right hand man.

Who was his right hand?….

This Guy:

“Woe unto the statesman who makes war without a reason that will still be valid after the war is over”

Otto von Bismark.

Was he Badass?

Well lets just say he started the 2nd Reich.

As an ardent fan of military glory, when Bismark spoke the words “Woe unto the statesman who makes war without a reason that will still be valid after the war is over” People stopped and listened…. Mostly because it confused the hell out of them. Why would a glorified war lover be against war?  It would be this show of reason that convinced the reigning King (Frederick William IV) to abstain from invading Austria in 1850, a move that probably saved both Prussia’s and Bismarck’s career, since they were unlikely to win such an endeavor.  Bismark showed he was smart enough to hold his desires in check.  Bismark couldn’t let an opportunity to invade Austria go to waste, and later convinced the King to drop out of the German Federation of peace for the sole purpose that it would allow an attack on Austria. Of course the Prussian Army was much stronger at this point allowing them to defeat the Austrians in a brutal victory of the “Seven Weeks War”

When King Frederic died in 1861, his brother Wilhelm assumed the throne. Wilhelm disliked Bismark intensely and had no plans on keeping him at his side. He learned quickly however, that like his brother, he didn’t really have a choice in the Matter.  Bismark had made himself too valuable.  Not only was he keeping the wolves in the cabinet at bay, but he was also providing strong arm advisory skills.

Wilhelm Like Frederick before him, would also argue and rank at Bismark with regards to policy to all ends of the night. Unfortunately the final straw was always Bismark’s threat of resignation, and it was always enough to force Wilhelm”s Concession.

His Strong arm Tactics would end up directing Wilhelm I to the unification of Germany and the Crown of Emperor. However Bismarck, the Right Hand man, Imperial Chancellor, and Knighted prince was actually calling the shots the whole time.

Ironically the man Europe named the “Iron Chancellor” would become known less for his prowess at war and more for his greatest achievements that included; administrative reforms, developing a common currency, a central bank, and a single code of commercial and civil law for Germany.

Bismarck also became the first statesman in Europe to devise a comprehensive scheme of social security to counter the Social Democrats, offering workers insurance against accident, sickness and old age.

History Records that Bismarck was the right hand man of himself.

Well that takes car of the 2nd Reich, but what about the 1st?

The First Reich was the “Holy Roman Empire” and was led by this dude:

#2 Charlemagne

His Right hand man however carries with him the stories of legends.

Remember these two guys?

Put them both together and you’ll get this guy:

#2 Roland

The Legend of Roland

Roland (Frankish: Hruodland) (died 15 August 778), also known as Count Roland, was a Frankish military leader under Charlemagne who became one of the principal figures in the literary cycle known as the Matter of France.

The tale of Roland’s death is retold in the eleventh century poem The Song of Roland, where he is equipped with the Olifant (a signalling horn) and an unbreakable sword. The song of roland

The story of The Song of Roland engenders feelings of the classic struggle between good and evil. It is brilliantly summed up by Roland’s dying gesture as he Raises his right-hand glove to the heavens (the gesture of a vassal’s fealty to his lord), and Saint Gabriel comes down to accept it. He dies the true Knight, and thus is taken to Paradise.

The Knights Code of Chivalry described in the Song of Roland do Show a loyalty to Church and King, but it is worth noting that this version of the Knights Code, does not revolve entirely around combat or battle.

• To protect the weak and defenceless
• To give succour to widows and orphans
• To refrain from the wanton giving of offence
• To live by honour and for glory
• To despise pecuniary reward
• To fight for the welfare of all
• To obey those placed in authority
• To guard the honour of fellow knights
• To eschew unfairness, meanness and deceit
• To fear God and maintain His Church
• To serve the liege lord in valour and faith
• To keep faith
• At all times to speak the truth
• To persevere to the end in any enterprise begun
• To respect the honour of women
• Never to refuse a challenge from an equal
• Never to turn the back upon a foe

The ‘Song of Roland’ characterizes the 8th century Knights of the Dark Ages and the battles fought by the founding father of the Holy Roman Empire, Charlemagne. This is why the code is sometimes called Charlemagne’s Code of Chivalry. The Song of Roland describes the betrayal of Count Roland at the hand of Ganelon, and the sanguinary death of Charlemagne’s most loyal defender.

Although there is little historical evidence regarding Count Roland, his memory lives on romanticized in stories throughout Europe, with many countries laying claim to such a great hero.

#3 Remember this Guy?

Charge!

One of the greatest military strategists of all time.

What about who defeated him?

"I Take the Credit for Defeating Napoleon!"

No it wasn’t the Duke of Wellington who took down Napoleon….. It was this dude….his right hand man.

#3 Talleyrand

"Speech was given to man to disguise his thoughts."

Talleyrand was there to stay. He was survived before and after Napoleon, and while Napoleon ruled, talleyrand was his right hand man. On taking his oath of allegiance to King Louis Phillipe, Talleyrand remarked, “Well, sire, that makes my thirteenth.”)

If you have not heard the story of Napoleon’s great escape from his banishment to the Prison Island Elba, here is a brief synopsis.
Napoleon received word that France was desperate to have their old leader back. So desperate that people on the outside had managed to find a way to help him escape past the British ships surrounding the island of Elba and return him to France with a group of his men.

Allured by the feelings of importance, and reverence, the former Emperor took the offer and escaped on to a secret ship back to his homeland. When he arrived he began his march on the Capital with his small band of troops. It did not stay a small band of troops for long though. When the news of Napoleon’s landing spread, he began to assimilate people from all over France into his march until he was finally cut off from the current Army itself. To avoid a possible civil war, Napoleon is said to have approached the men of the opposing French Army and unbuttoned his shirt and vest wide open saying something along the lines of “If the Blood of a Frenchman should be spilled, let it be the blood of your Emperor” Napoleon’s show of bravery and charisma were enough to win over the French troops and Napoleon once again found himself wearing the Emperor’s hat.

Little did he know, the minister who betrayed and conspired against him (Talleyrand) was actually the one who set him free.

Why would he do this?

Talleyrand knew that France was in ruin and that Napoleon would certainly lead France to war should he return to power. He was never comfortable with the short distance of Napoleon and felt he should be bannished farther away that the island of Elba. By freeing Napoleon he was able to set him up for defeat in Waterloo at the hands of the Duke of Wellington, who happened to know Napoleon’s divide and conquer strategy intimately.

Of course, if Napoleon had have won in Waterloo, Talleyrand would have been considered the savior who set Napoleon free in the first place, which probably would have put him back into the Emperor’s favor anyway.

#4 Remember this Guy?

"Death is the solution to all problems. No man - no problem. "

Yeah, most people do. So much in fact that they forget about this dude:

#4 Krushchev

" I want to talk to these people because they stay in power and you change all the time. "

Right hand man to Joseph Stalin. He was born on Apr. 17 (N.S.), 1894, in a mud hut in the village of Kalinovka, Kursk province. As a young boy, Khrushchev worked long hours in the coal mines. Who knew one day he would lead an entire nation?

After the Death of Stalin Krushchev relaxed censorship somewhat, allowing some dissident intellectuals, like Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, to publish previously suppressed works. He was the first soviet leader to travel to the USA. where he built commercial and cultural ties between east and west.

It can also be argued that he protected Cuba’s independence during the Cuban missle Crisis. After the failed US invasion of Cuba during the Bay of Pigs, Castro began attempting to create weapons of mass destruction on Cuban soil. After a tense and lengthy period called the Cuban Missle Crisis, Krushchev agreed that he would not place missles on Cuban soil in exchange for president Kennedy’s agreement that he would not invade Cuba again.

Perhaps Ahead of his time, Khrushchev’s insistence on “peaceful coexistence” with the capitalist West may have contributed to a rupture with the Communist government of China, who are now 50 years later embracing a similar point of view. His name may not carry the same recognition as Stalin’s, but his mark on the future world will most likely be better received.

#5 Remember this guy?

"A good head and a good heart are always a formidable combination. "

Of course you do, he spent his whole life fighting appartiade, mostly from his prison cell. However, he couldn’t have done it without this guy:

#5 Walter Sisulu

"An Eye for and Eye and a Tooth for a Tooth"

Who was the right hand man at his side for over 50 Years

“an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.”

Born on 18 May 1912 in the village of Qutubeni in the Engcobo district of Transkei, South Africa. Walter Sisulu was no slouch. As Champion Stick Figher from the Age of 10 he possed the physical toughness that was only outmatched by his intellect.

Early in his career he worked varied occupations from dairy worker, to miner, to baker, to advertising agent, before setting up a small real estate agency himself.

In 1940 he joined the African National Congress (ANC) and in 1941 he met the soon to be famous Nelson Mandela. He loaned Mansela the money to finish law school and arranged employment for him with a lawyer in Johannesburg.

In 1948 The National Party was voted into power and along with the apartheid system that would have Sisulu and Mandela fighting for the next 50 years. The following year Sisulu would close his realestate agency and become a full time ANC party organizer. In 1952 the ANC would call upon the government to repeal all unjust laws and stages mass rallies and strikes that attract thousands of suppoerters. The Governement designates Sisulu as a statutory communist ans sentences him to nine months imprisonment. Sisulu spoke the following words before his sencetence

“I wish to make this solemn vow and in full appreciation of the consequences it entails. As long as I enjoy the confidence of my people, and as long as there is a spark of life and energy in me, I shall fight with courage and determination for the abolition of discriminatory laws and for the freedom of all South Africans irrespective of colour or creed.”

He would get arrested again in 1956 for High treason with Mandela, Tambo, and 153 others. He would be cleared on the charges in 1961 only to be arressted six more times that year. However, it was in 1963 that Sisulu got into his most ominous circumstance yet. Sisulu and Mandela stand during the Rivonia Trial and face the death penalty. In 1964 both Sisulu and Mandela, along with six others are convicted and sentenced to life imprisonment in a former leper colony.

Refusing to be bowed, they begin teaching the other inmates about the history of the apartheid. The prison would later be known as the “Nelson Mandela University”. “We were united as prisoners,” Sisulu later says of his time in jail, “And we were determined to unite South Africa. That sustained us.”

The ANC would continue Fighting for the next 27 years until Sisulus release in Oct 1989 and Mandela’s in February of 1990. On January 8 1992 Sisulu would be awarded ‘Isithwalandwe Seaparankoe’, the ANC’s highest honour. A new constitution would be set up guarantying “equality before the law and equal protection of the law, and the ANC would win back the homeland they had lost 30 years prior.

Sisulu would later retire due to illness, but he was not forgotten. His eulogy would be read by Archbishop Desmond Tutu who said, “I want to declare loud and clear that after a life so exemplary, so inspiring … we are filled with deep thankfulness. … We have come to celebrate a wonderful life poured out so unselfishly on behalf of others.”

Sources:

48 Laws of power Robert Greene
Civilian control of the military: the changing security environment
By Michael Charles Desch Pg 71
Talleyrand
By Duff Cooper
The story of Roland
By James Baldwin
Alexander Hamilton
By Ron Chernow
Khrushchev: the man and his era
By William Taubman

Walter Sisulu
By Chris Van Wyk
http://www.moreorless.au.com/heroes/sisulu.html

There is something alluring and provocative about the human imagination that yearns for Marilyn Monroe’s Seven Year Itch to get scratched.

Sometimes however, its better if fantasies stay in our fantasies. If you have ever fantasized about one of these hot sci fi women, you’re about to get a cold shower of reality

#1 Zev – Lexx

Why She’s Hot

Anyone who has seen Zev’s shower scene has most likely had some form of un-pure thoughts on the incident.   Zev was a love slave created by the machine named “Lusticon”, unfortunately a loose cluster lizard screwed up the process causing her to accidentally absorb the lizards DNA. She is constantly fighting her heightened libido, which makes fantasies regarding her seem possible in real life since “logically” increased libido = lower standards.

Why She’s Not

Unfortunately, Zev was actually a very overweight and angry chick who was kept in a dungeon constantly eating, until she was purchased by the parents of a Nerd. The Emotional baggage of the rejected Zev means you are in for a hell of a hormonally fueled roller coaster. As well, scientists point out that weight problems in youth usually lead to weight problems in adulthood. We think the enhanced libido is great, but being chased around by a sumosized emotionally unstable Nimphmaniac with Lizard Strength is not our cup of tea.

#2 Neytiri- Avatar

Why She’s Hot

Neytiri te Tskaha Mo’at’ite is the Na’vi princess of the Omaticaya clan. She is known to be partially insane as she can hear “voices” when around certain types of trees. Now crazy and beautiful tend to go together, as hollywood has pointed out in the Kirsten Dunst Movie of the same name.

Now we know that Neytiri has a thing for Humans, or at the very least human brains that control a Na’vis body. So the possibility that should could digg us makes her slightly hotter in our fantasies.

Why She’s Not

The way we see it, mating with 10 foot Na’vi Pandorian in human form could get dangerous. As well, the Navi seem to be built upon mating with all forms of nature via their hair. Now we like kinky as much as the rest, but there are limits that even imagination shouldn’t venture beyond.

Of course the main problem is our body size differences. We suspect that these human size inferiorities could leave Neytiri very unsatisfied, giving our male egos a death blow.

#3 Dax – Star Trek DS9

Why She’s Hot:

Partly because we like freckles, but mostly because we count the trill symbiote as a threesome!

What is a trill symbiote?

Deep within the caves of Mak’ala on the Planet trill, lived a species of symbionts that were cared for by the planets guardians. They communicated with each other via electrical impulses across the water they inhabited. When a symbiont merges with a lifeform from the planet trill, both the trill lifeform and symbiont lifeform gain each others memories.

So its safe to say that if you’re going out with a trill, they will be very very experienced.

Why They’re Not Hot.

Although the body of These two scifi women are hot, in reality, they both have the mind of a dirty old man. Unfortunately, they come as a package.

#4 Leeloo – The Fifth element

Why She’s Hot
This Video Pretty Much Explains it.

Why She’s Not

After she falls in love with you she poses with her mouth wide open. What could be better than that? Oh yeah, she turns into stone and stops moving too.

#5 Seven of Nine – Star Trek Voyager

Why She’s Hot

An embodiment of perfection and efficiency whispers to our libidos that Seven of Nine may very well be the ultimate woman in the universe. She has the intelligence to enact and create our greatest fantasies with the physical efficacy to probably take us somewhere beyond Nirvana.

Why She’s Not

Party because in reality, we know we are very “inefficient” and incapable of deserving such a woman. That and the fact thatshe actually scares the crap out of us a bit.

We all have fears. Jason Vorhees, one of the most feared killers in Hollywood cinema, was known to be hydrophobic (afraid of water). Of course this was probably due to the fact that he drowned in crystal lake only to be awoken with a conveniently place machete by his side. So maybe hes a little pissed off too. The point is, his fear of water was logical, but also illogical he was able to walk from crystal lake to Manhattan under water, so he is probably impervious to drowning.

Either way, most of our fears are based on illogical ideation.  Here are a few that seem to go a little beyond “just illogical”

Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia,

Wheel of Fortune

As its name suggests, is the fear of long words. Now, we don’t actually know anyone whose been attacked by a sesquipedalia, but there is always a first time. The book “pseudo-city” by Harlan Wilson tells the story of a masochistic person with Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia curled up in an alleyway whispering “Antidisestablismentarianism” to himself repeatedly, experiencing one orgasm every three hours as a result from the pain. In this way we can see how the fear might be logical after all, but we still wonder, what would it take to make someone afraid of long words?

Metrophobia or “The Fear of Poetry”.

For anyone who is familiar with the hitchhikers guide to the galaxy they know that it is imperative that you never allow a vogon to read you poetry under any circumstances. It is believed that the listening to a Vogon’s poetry is do discomforting it can be used as a form of torture to extract information, so we guess it is possible that someone could have had a bad enough experience with poetry that it might cause a phobia. It is also possible that they ran into “V” who has been known to recite a few lines before he slices you into pieces.

“Voila! In view humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the “vox populi” now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a bygone vexation stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin, van guarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition.” – V. From V for Vendetta

Pogonophobia

It that a baby in his hand or a doll?

Pogonophobia, is not actually the fear of the Taliban. It is more precisely “The Fear of beards.” Now perhaps if someone was abused by Santa Clause at an early enough age, they might get a little beardophobic (we like the term beardophobic better)

There has not been enough testing done in this area to determine if people with pogonophobia are afraid of Goats or other bearded animals or if the phobia only afflicts those afraid of human beards. Perhaps a cure might be finding a circus and going out on a few dates with the bearded lady. Unless of course this is what caused the pogonophobia in the first place.

Atelophobia

The Avatar of Borg Perfection

Even the half human half Borg avatar of physical and mental fitness was known to have a fear or two.  Seven of Nine’s human fears may have come right out of an Edgar Allen Poe novel, but the fear from her Borg side was definitely Atelophobia, or the fear of imperfection.

Can you say High Maintenance? One way to solve this type of fear is to turn it into anger. This can usually be achieved by asking atelophobic person something like, “Perfect to who?”

Phobophobia.

Yes the most illogical of all fears has to be phobophobia, or “The Fear of Fear” Although illogical, phobophobia can be very powerful in that being afraid causes the person to be even more afraid, which can cause the person to be even more afraid. As Franklin Roosevelt said, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself “ We guess some people took him a little more seriously than others.

“Where does he get those wonderful toys”

In the superhero world nobody is waiting for the next android, Zune, or iPad. The hype for heroes and villains alike is saved for the release of a new spy gadgets from “Q” or Wayne Enterprises (although more and more villains are beginning to import knock off Bat gadgets from China)

Of course, most true superheroes invent their own gadgets using their genius intelligence or vast resources of their personal corporations, or organizations.

We’ve compiled a list of some of the best comic book gadgets off all time, starting off with the iconic classic…..

#1 Batman’s Utility Belt….with accessories

Batman’s Motto is essentially “#$%^ happens, be prepared!” Yes, he was probably a boy scout at some point in his life and got all the badges.

Batman’s utility belt epitomizes the boy scouts motto by having everything he needs from Bat shark repellent to night vision Bat Goggles. It is almost magical in that there seems to be an accessory in the utility belt to vanquish any impediment.

Some of the more popular items in batman’s utility belt arsenal include:

Bat Cuffs: For when Batman wants to get kinky with Cat Woman or Poison Ivy
Batarang – Kinda like an Australian ninja star
Bat Darts – Tipped with tranquilizers bat darts are great for the pub or when you just want to sit around and poke yourself
Bat Goo Gun – You never know when some goo can come in handy
Bat tool kit – Most likely this was his first tool kit given to him when he was a kid and he just hasn’t had the heart to sell it on Ebay yet
Bat Saw – Just in case he gets caught by Jigsaw
Cash! – Yes Batman carries cash, the official currency of lap dancers

The utility belt is sort of a cheat since in uses many gadgets in one, kinda like finding a Genie and wishing for more wishes. We know its not fair, but it has to be brought up.



Next on the List……

#2 The Attache Case of Agent Graves.

Remember Jules from Pulp Fiction? He was the one carrying around this wallet:

Jule's Wallet from Pulp Fiction

The mystery case in his right hand however has nothing on this next gadget though. (Or maybe it does since we don’t actually know what was in Jules’ briefcase. Damn You Tarantino) Either way, the attache case of Agent Graves is nothing short of cool.

The contents of the case are:

1. Evidence of a crime
2. A Gun with 100 untraceable bullets, and
3. Immunity from law enforcement.

The whole immunity angle give someone a completely uninhibited view into the morality of revenge and power above the law.

Graves’ Attache case certainly gets our imagination going in more ways than one.  What would you use it for? Or should we say who?

#3 Spider-Man’s Web Shooters

Before Hollywood ruined Spider Man’s story by making his web shooters a power of his body instead of his mind, Peter Parker’s web developing genius was used to defeat multiple types of enemies with a plethora of different webbing options.

The Web shooters can also be used for other liquids as well (like alcohol shots!) 

which could make spider-man the life of the party. As well, they have been modified to fire darts and function as a protective bracelet for Mary Jane.

There are some so called “scientists” from the history channel telling us that if web fluid were to exist, it would not be possible for spider man to store the necessary propellant and fluid in such a small cartridge. Therefore, organic webbing is a more realistic alternative. We say “They only think that way because obviously they’re not as smart as spider-man is.” Nuff said.

#4 Daredevil’s Cane

It looks like an ordinary blind mans cane, but to those who know the true identity of Matthew Michael Murdock (We mean Daredevil, not Ben Affleck) the cane is a metaphor for a wolf is sheep’s clothing.

The Cane functions as a multi-purpose weapon and tool that contains thirty feet of aircraft control cable connected to a case-hardened steel, while its grapnel is capable of some serious @#$ Kicking power.

It’s simplicity makes this weapon’s efficacy limited only by the skill of its user, which in this case is preternatural.

#5 The Joker’s Squirting Flower.

“Hey, no hard feelings, put er’ there partner.”

Okay, the joker doesn’t have a utility belt for his bladed playing cards, exploding cigars or harpoon guns equipped with bang flags. Now his lethally electric joy buzzer can be quite humorous, but we would rather be laughing with him on the way out that have him laughing at our dead corpse.  Something about the joker venom says “At least they died happy” Now maybe laughing to death is a really painful and excruciating way to die or maybe you’ll just get a deformed face from some joker acid. Were just saying that given the choice between Dying at the hands of the Jokers favorite weapon and Spider Jerusalem’s weapon of choice, the Jokers flower wins no contest.

Spider’s Jerusalem’s Weapon of Choice?

#6 The Hand held Bowel disruptor.

Yes, it delivers what it says. The device comes with full level controls to allow its user to experience anything from simple diarrhea to complete rectal prolapse.

The bowel disruptor has been known to cause unconsciousness due to such high levels of pain and discomfort. It also has a setting labeled “Fatal Intestinal Maelstrom” which we can only conclude would be something like firing an Imodium suppository into someone with a bazooka.

Sorry, no photo. You’ll have to use your imagination.

Ever leave your lunch in the fridge only to have some thieving bastard steal it from you? Thievery is not a new idea. The desire to work less and get more is just as prevalent in the “innocent” animal kingdom as it is in our own sinful human realm.

There is a scientific name for these thieving bastards of nature and that is “Kleptoparasite” in that they support a take, take relationship over one of give and take. (Essentially parasites who steal.)
Some are organized slave drivers, others are Trojan horse invaders and the rest just outright Thieving Bastards.

#6 Amazon Ants

What they Steal:

If you’ve ever seen that episode of Futurama where they get caught by Amazons and forced into “snu snu” slavery, you’ll be familiar with the Polyergus or “Slave-Raiding Amazon Ants” Unfortunately, for the ant slaves, the polyergus don’t practice snu snu…They steal the babies of others.

Why They Do it:

We generally think of Ants as the hard working builders of the underground epitomized in the Disney movie line “Ants don’t need Grasshoppers, Grasshoppers need Ants!” Unfortunately, the Amazon ant has reversed this. They’ve become so profitable at pirating and enslavement that they have lost all their behavioral wiring and can no longer carry out even the most rudimentary parenting jobs, let alone feed themselves.

The “Slave Raiding Ants” exist solely as a an evil baby stealing caste. The babies are considered “slaves” in scientific and popular literature, and the ants are described as the “social parasites” of their hosts.

Because they get the babies before they hatch, the host ant believes they are part of the mixed species colony and go on to nurse, forage, and perform regular up keeping duties.

How do they do it?

An Amazon Queen barges in to the colony of a different ant species and “moves in” with the current hosting queen. If there are sufficient slaves ready to work, the Amazon Queen will kill the host queen immediately, otherwise the occupying queen is allowed to survive until she has raised enough workers.

Of course, the worker ants die off a lot, and as such, there is a need to “recruit more meat for the grinder” This is done by conducting regular raids that science TV has sensationalized as blood baths. However, in most cases the parents just run away and let their young get stolen.

#5 Bees Nomadinae

These Busy Bee Bastards all share the lovely trait of sending there women into someones pad when no ones home, where she then deposits here eggs into the unsuspecting host’s wall.  Later, this pleasant child wakes up with specially designed mandibles that they use to kill the other sleeping children in the nest.

Nice

Why do they do it?

As parasites, they lack a pollen carrying apparatus. So they justify their behavior as a means of survival.

Now that you don’t feel so sorry for bees, we can show you these thieving bastards:

#4 Giant Japanese Hornets

"If I were a green hornet you wouldn't hate me!"

Each year in Japan, the human death toll caused by Asian giant hornet stings exceeds that of all other venomous and non-venomous wild animals combined. This stat includes attacks from wild bears and venomous snakes.

But bees are pretty tough right? I bet a hive of 30,000  bees could take out 30 of these pesky hornets!.

Uhhh, Lets put it this way:

Now another wonderful trait about the Japanese Giant Hornet is that after it stings you, the venom it leaves behind has 8 distinct chemicals that cause tissue damage. Most importantly however, the venom carries a chemical odor that attracts other hornets to its victim. so you can plan on getting stung more than once by the hornet’s friends. As well, the chemical “acetylcholine” actually stimulates pain nerve fibers that intensify the pain from the stings these bastards dish out.

Don’t worry though, the hornets generally prefer to crush the heads of their victims rather than sting them.

#3 Spider Theridiidae

"I'm Not upside down, you are!"

Although fully capable of creating its own web, the Dewdrop Spiders prefer to let others do the home building and hunting for them. They are able to mimic the host spiders movements so that their presence goes undetected. Generally they will raid the fridge of the host spider while the host is wrapping up the catch of the day for another time.

Now, the dew drop spider doesn’t steal all the food, it usually leaves enough for the host to survive and continue catching meals. Of course, from time to time if the dewdrop spider is hungry enough, the host spider may find themselves on the menu

#2 Deaths Head Moth

"ChaaaaapppppStiiiiiiickkkk!" - Mothman Prophecies

It is said that if you piss off a Deaths Head Moths it will scream at you with a large threaten squeaking noise from its pharynx, while flashing off its brightly colored abdomen.  Of course its all show. You don’t have to worry about the reprisal of the Deaths Head Moth unless you are a member of the bee family.  Unfortunately if you are a bee, then you can bet this thieving bastard will be raiding your hard earned honey.

How do they get away with it?

They wear a special fragrance. No, its not made by Channel or Calvin Klein. It is adapted from evolution specifically to mimic the scent of the honey bee. This allows them to move about the hive unmolested by potentially stinging bees.
And no, we don’t recommend covering yourself in honey and raiding a bee hive to see if it works. It doesn’t, we already tried it. (okay we watched someone else do it, but it still counts)

We were Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs before we learned what a Cuckoo Bird Does!

#1 The Cuckoo Bird

Monogamy may be the only admirable trait these birds have. What is it that these cuckoos do that is so disgraceful you ask? Well….

They like to lay their eggs in the nests of other birds. Of course the cuckoo’s eggs hatch first and have a tendency to throw the other babies and or eggs out of the nest to their death, which is disgraceful even for us.

Once they are the only birds in the nest, the cuckoo sends out constant whines in a rapid begging call that has the nest mother frantically bringing back food for the murderer of her real children.

"Why doesn't my baby look like me?"

Now, should the mother get suspicious and start to wonder “Is my child really a Reed Warbler Bird or just some imposter?” The Cuckoos real mother has been known to return to the scene of the crime to enforce the enslavement of the surrogate mother bird until she fulfills her new duties in raising the baby Cuckoo

Although this list is not meant to show any sort of hierarchy, stealing the home’s of unborn children, baby killing, and enslaving mourning mothers gives  the Cuckoo Bird the number #1 spot on Daft Gadget’s list of the Biggest Thieving Bastards in Nature.

Sources

Bees :The Bees of the World, C. D. Michener (2000)

Spider:  Spiders–webs, behavior, and evolution
By William A. Shear

Death’s Head Moth:  Insects through the seasons – By Gilbert Waldbauer

 
Sometimes single people get depressed around St. Valentines Day. Here at DaftGadgets, its our job to keep people happy, and its a job we take seriously.

We have allocated our vast resources of an intern, a search engine, and a sense of humor to compile a list of valentines examples that worked out so horribly, that lovers who read this will be dumping their belle or beaux for the sole purpose of making a strong objection to the evils of monogamy and love.

Love Story #1 – The Monk who Fell in Love with the Nun

Have you ever heard the story of Monk who fell in love with a Nun? It was a love worthy of St Valentine himself, with an ending that belongs in the next “Hostel” sequel.

Peter Abelard, a philosopher at Notre Dame was hired by the School Canon (Fulbert) to tutor his niece, Heloise. One thing led to another, and love blossomed into a secret marriage and childbirth. Like most overprotective males, the canon became furious about the student teacher love affair, so much in fact that Peter had to send his beloved Heloise away to a convent for her own safety. He should have however, left with her. Later on Fulbert (still enraged) had his servants castrate Peter in his sleep! (okay so there’s already a Hostel movie that ends like that) The love letters of the two were later found and published, and proved that they stayed together even after the various types of physical separations.

Although this is a story of the strength of love, we think it is more suited to a story of love’s insanity. Unless Peter was to actually to come out and say “It was worth it”, we’re reading this one as a negative.

The Moral of the story, falling in love can castrate your manhood turning you into a Monk who doesn’t get NUN. (Yes we know this pun is cheesy, but admit it, you thought of it too :)….)

Love Story #2 Layla and Majnun

Layla and Majnun fall deeply in love while at school.  Like in most love storys, Layla’s father has a “daddy’s little princess” complex and forbids Majunn from seeing his daughter.
Unable to stand the loss of love, Majunn does the only thing he can think of. He banishes himself to the dessert to see what the animals have to say about it all. While in the dessert he goes partially insane, and is coerced by what he believes to be “prophets” into leading an attack against Layla’s Father. He returns with an army and combats her Father’s army in a victorious battle in the name of love. In the end though it is not enough to win back Layla, mostly because nobody wants to marry a crazy guy who talks to animals.

Love Story # 3 Salim and Anarkali

Salim and Anarkali
A successor in waiting to the great Mughal Empire falls in love with a common courtesan. Her name was Anarkali, and it was known throughout the land that her finesse and nimbleness as a dancer was indistinguishable from her natural beauty as a woman.

The Emperor in waiting Salim would become mesmerized by her beauty and fall in a love so deep, its gravity would become the center of his entire existence.

Salim’s Father “The Emperor” could not stomach the idea that his son was in love with an ordinary courtesan, and began employing deceitful tactics to distort the perception of his sons object of desire (i.e. he told lies). When Salim came to know of this, he declared a war against his father, and led an attack. The mighty emperor’s army proved to be too much for the young prince who was defeated and sentenced to death.

Anarkali intervened when she realized the fate of the prince, and renounced her love to save him from his death. Her punishment was that she was entombed alive in a brick wall, right in front of her lover’s eyes.

Salim would live on to become Emperor Jahangir, who carried his flame for Anarkali throughout his entire life, remembering only her on his deathbed.

So yes, this is a great story of the power of love, but essentially she gets buried alive and he lives a loveless life, unable to let go or share his heart with another. Oh yeah, and thousands of people died needlessly in the war. Another reason to avoid falling in love.

Love Story # 4 Banu Shah Jahan

Her name was Arjumand Banu Begum. And when she would catch the eye of young prince Khurram in a way that would shape an entire empire’s history for all eternity.

His name would would change to “Shah Jahan” when he became the Mughal Emperor in the year 1628, after the death of his father Emperor Jahangir. The name “Shah Jahan” comes from Persian meaning “King of the World.”

He called her Mumtaz Mahal, “jewel of the palace.” A Jewel he would lose when she experienced an untimely death while giving birth to their 14th child.

Heartbroken, the emperor employed over 20,000 workers and 1000 elephants for two decades in order to build a fitting monument to the depth of their love. 

The Monument that is now known as The Taj Mahal……..

Shah Jahan, the king of the world, would later be imprisoned by his own son, with his only view through the barred window of his prison being that of the great monument to his long lost wife.

Sources:
Castration: an abbreviated history of western manhood
By Gary Taylor
Abelard and Heloise
By C. J. Mews
The letters of Abelard and Heloise – Peter Abelard, Héloïse, Betty Radice, M. T. Clanchy
Layla and Majnun
Romantic Passion: A Universal Experience?
By William Jankowiak pg 224
History of Syria: including Lebanon and Palestine, Volume 1
By Philip K. Hitti
Salim and Anarkali (known as fictional based story based on real characters)
National identity in Indian popular cinema, 1947-1987
By Sumita S. Chakravarty
Anarkali, archives and tomb of Sahib Jamal:
a study in perspective

Sometimes life is not picture perfect and you’re just not ready to make the suicide leap from single life to the co-dependency of marital bliss.

So what do you do?……..

Remember the Bases!

Remember the Bases? Getting to first base, second base, etc has always been a metaphor for physical commitment.  If you are finding yourself pressured into relationship commitment you need a whole new set of bases.   First base here could be dating each other exclusively,    Second base moving in, Third base buying a pet, and the Home Run being the commitment to spend the next 60 years with someone you’ve known for less than Six.

If you feel you’re getting pressured into marriage too early,  it is possible that your significant other is already rounding third in the game of  “Commitment Ball”.  Desperate times call for desperate measures.  You may be able to keep the runner on third for a while, but eventually you will face the ultimatum of having to throw them out before they get to home plate, or letting them score.  If you decide to throw them out but still want to play ball, you may have to send them back to the batters box and at the very least walk them to first and let them steal second base back so they feel like they are still in the game.

Either way, if they’re ready for a commitment and you aren’t, you can try stooping to some of these levels.

#1. Stop Lying

see no evil, hear no evil

Yes, if you lie about the reason you don’t want to get married yet like, “I’m waiting for a raise”, or “I’ve been hurt before” or “wait until my probation is over” eventually your significant other is going to know you well enough to see that these are just excuses.

Before you get confronted for the last time with an ultimatum, try being pro active and approaching them on the issue. Tell them you have commitment issues that you need to work out and you’ve set a 90 day plan in place to solve them. This will mean you’ll need to spend a little more time with your support group aka “friends” and that may mean less time together, but you think what the two of you have going is worth it.

#2.Start Cheating.

Yes your relationship might not be strong enough to weather a foul up like this but it will take the pressure off (in more ways than one). If you think the ultimatum is coming too soon and the commitment pressure will send your relationship down in flames anyway, this may be the only way out.   This isn’t really like throwing the runner out at the plate so much as its like playing another game all together, making three games: Sex Ball, Commitment Ball, and the card game Bullshit (Aka: Bologna, Bible Study, Challenge, No Way, Cheat, Liar, Bluff)  so the runner may not be interested in playing with you anymore after a move like this.  Your best course of action if you wish to get the games going again is to “double speak” and tell them you needed to know in your heart (“Pants”) that you were not in “Love” (“Lust”) with the other new player, and that you just needed to know for sure before you made the marriage commitment.  Otherwise you may have spent the rest of your life wondering of what could have been.

On a lighter side….Who knows? Maybe the fling will be your “True” love.

3. Steal!

Start taking their money and other stuff. If they say anything tell them you’re just trying out married life as everything that is theirs is yours and vice versa. Don’t lie about it, steal their stuff right in front of them. Use their lipstick as a pen, or their razors on your legs! The possibilities are endless.

These actions will certainly make them think twice about the whole commitment side of things.

#4 Tell Them Your Relationship is Too Important to Ruin

Try telling them that you cant marry them yet because your relationship is too serious to mess up and if it ever fell apart you would be devastated. You need to know that “They” are committed to “You” enough and they are not just after you for your: “insert quality here” This move is kinda like not putting out on the first date. If you significant other has ever tried to hold back a home run in “sex Ball”, now is your chance to use those same excuses in your game of “Commitment Ball”

This move works for all types of relationship commitments from engagement rings to monogamy.

#5.  Propose in Writing

Get a Pre Nupt

Get a Pre nuptial that encloses that they don’t get any money from your secret bank accounts in Switzerland, or the money you have coming from the trust your rich dead grandfather. By doing this you may find out why they want to marry you in the first place. Of course you don’t really have to have a Swiss Bank account, but at least you will have a whole new set of excuses like “the lawyers are still drawing up the forms.”

Just remember to make your would be spouse swear to secrecy of the trust fund as you don’t want another family member to try and sue you in estates court.  (This keeps your lie from being accidentally revealed by nosy family members)

There are many ways to put off a wedding, you just have to be creative. Feel free to share your own in the comments section.

For example, you could try getting excessively drunk, writing a pretend suicide note and then passing out on a floor full of pills in the hopes that they will feel sorry for pressuring you and back off,  although that could create other problems as well.

From time to time we may find ourselves thinking about that hot looking Klingon or Borg we saw the other night on Star Trek, and may even go as far as to get our partners to dress up in full makeup and uniform on special occasions. There are some species however that have almost no chance of any type of intergalactic relationships.

In fact some aliens are so ugly that they probably turn off their own species.

We complied a list of aliens who are not just ugly in appearance, but also in personality. The first one being…..

Whatever the hell Jabba the Hut is.

What Does a female Jabba Look Like?

When people fantasize about Princess Lea in a gold bikini, they don’t add Jabba the Hut into a threesome, (at least that’s what we hope). In fact, just the thought of this hideous Slime Lord is enough to make a nymphomaniac celibate. His slug like body is a “miasmic mass” of flesh that does the “Truffle Shuffle” as he laughs. He emits an unmistakable stench most likely caused by the periodic release of greasy discharge into the air. As well, his swollen tongue drips with saliva as he feeds on creatures that resemble frogs and maggots, so his breath isn’t exactly kissable. Whatever species of alien Jabba is, we’re sure they have been number one on the “no date for the prom” list for a very long time.

Pakleds

Worst Conversationalists in the Galaxy

A short stocky overweight bald guy may be Marissa Tome’s type, but its unlikely that even she would date a member of the obtuse alien species called the Pakleds. At some point the Pakleds learned that they were stupid and were smart enough to realize they could play a game of dumb and dumber with other aliens as a way of tricking them out of their technology. A date with a pakled probably starts with a walk downtown followed by asking someone for their car, then car jacking them and driving to a restaurant only to skip out on the bill at the end.

On top of it all, they are the absolute worst conversationalists in the galaxy.

Vogons – Ughh.

Disproving Darwin one Form at a Time

The Poetry of a Vogon is said to be used as Torture on some really sadistic worlds. We can only assume that their “Love” Poetry is just as excruciating if not more.

They are a slug like species of bureaucrats that have somehow obtained employment in legislating the galaxy. It is said that when they are young, they’re hit over the head every time they get an original or independent thought, so that when they are grown up they can follow the rules efficiently. We can only assume that no marriage with this species would ever take place due to the number of forms required to facilitate such an endeavor.

It is told that, far back in prehistory, when the first primeval Vogons crawled out of the sea, the forces of evolution were so disgusted with them, that they never allowed them to evolve again. Somehow however, they’ve managed to survive.

The Vidiians

What did the Vidiian say to the Prostitute?

Their body’s are made from a patchwork of different alien skins, while the rest of their bodies are a miss match of organs stolen from different species around the galaxy. Make no mistake about it. The Vidiians are only interested in you for your body. (although we wouldn’t put a brain transplant past them) If they do not constantly replace their organs they run the risk of having their organs and body parts deteriorate and even fall off.
There is a Joke about the Vidiians around that Delta Quadrant that goes:

Question: “What did the Vidiian say to the Prostitute?……”
Answer: “…….Keep the tip”

Photo Courtesy of Garrette

There appears to be a tradition of parents traumatizing their children before they go to sleep. We expose them to anything and everything from Lullabys depicting falling babies (maybe that’s why we keep having those falling dreams) to bedtime stories of evil trolls that could be under their bed while they sleep. Its no wonder parents are up in the middle of the night dealing with nightmares. Its their own damn fault.

We have compiled a list of 4 uncensored fairy tales that might have you second guessing your own parents bedtime story motives.

Little Tom Thumb

We don't know about you, but we loved the comforting thought of getting our throat slit in the middle of the night right before bed time.

One of Perrault’s Fairy Tales, Little Tom Thumb has a wonderful part in it where he and his brother’s are asleep in the house of an Ogre, waiting for the Ogre to their throats slit open. Why does the Ogre want to slit their throats open? So so he can bleed them out and eat them of course.

Little tom thumb, decides that hes not going to wait till morning. Knowing the Ogre has poor Eyesight he switches the caps of his brothers with the crowns of the Ogre’s daughters. The plan works and the poor sighted Ogre wakes up and slits the throats of his own daughters in another great parenting example from the fairy tale world.

The Ogre is so angry, he chases after Tom Thumb (who ran out with his brothers) only to fall deeply asleep under a tree where Tom steals his magical 7 league boots. (the boots allow the wearer to take giant steps) Tom goes back to the Ogre’s house and convinces the Ogres wife to hand over all her jewels and possessions so that he can pay the ransom to a gang of thieves that captured the Ogre. She buys it (since he is wearing her husbands boots) and forks over the cash. So Tom Thumb is also a thief as well.

The Story was later edited to remove the part about Tom Thumb’s confidence scam. For the Sake of the children of course.

Rumpelstiltskin

A miller lies to the king of the land, telling him his daughter is so skilled at spinning, she can spin straw into gold. The King decides that this is a skill he wants working for him and decides to put it to the test. He locks the miller’s daughter in a cell where she is to spin gold for 3 nights or she will be skewered and then fricasseed like a pig. (“Gee mommy, what does skewered and fricasseed like a pig mean?”)

Now enter a gold spinning demon, who’s kinda like the leprechaun killer from the movies. Tada! She’s saved! Except that he wants payment.  First he takes her necklace, then her ring, and third, her first born child. Why her first born child? So he can eat it of course, that’s what monsters do to children.

When the child is born, The troll demon thingy comes back and decides that he will give up his favorite meal if she can remember his name. Why you ask would he do this? Well maybe he was one of those self conscious demons who was always picked last in gym class and felt like nobody knew he existed. Anyway, After mumbling a bunch of things that range from Rumpleforeskin to Grumple ZitSkin , she luckily blurts out “Rumpelstiltskin!” Which is of course the correct answer. At this point he gets really pissed off and drives his right foot so far into the ground that it sinks in up to his waist. Then in a passionate rage he seizes his left foot with both hands and bifurcates himself.

Its Kinda like Seppuku, but without the sword.

Cinderella

Now as the Brothers Grimm tell the story, Ascheputtel (Cinderella) gets help from a wishing tree that sprouts from her mother’s grave. A little more macabre, but still tolerable for children at this point.

One of the main differences comes when trying on the glass slippers. The stepsisters decide that they will trick the prince by cutting off parts of their feet in order to get the slipper to fit. (A little stupid since the prince will probably ask why there limbs are spewing blood?). Anyway, the prince is stupid and needs two pigeons to point out the scam who then peck out the stepsisters eyes, fating them to be blind beggars in the street.

Don’t you love fairy tales with happy endings?

Sleeping Beauty

The sleeping beauty of written by Giambattista Basile in 1636 was closer to Tarantino’s “Kill Bill 2” Remember the scene where the orderly in the coma ward says “My name is Buck and I’m here to..” well obviously that movie excerpt rhymes, but it not exactly Mother Goose content, if you know what we mean.

Now in Basile’s sleeping beauty, who gives birth to 2 children while in a coma. No, not from some divine miracle, but from being repeatedly raped by the prince charming. Now the Prince’s wife (yes prince charming is also an adulterer) doesn’t take too kindly to this raping. Not because she thinks its wrong to rape coma patients, but because she despises infidelity. As such, she orders the cook to kill the children and put them in a stew (again with the eating children thing). In a rage, the prince (who ate some of the stew) throws his wife into the fire when he finds out. Then ends up living happily ever after with his rape victim. Oh, and the cook secretly changed the stew ingredients from Kid to Goat, so they lived happily ever after too. Still, its not quite PG though.

Slitting throats, eating babies, cutting off feet and date raping women are probably not the moral lessons or images we want to be sharing at bedtime. Perhaps we should all thank Disney for their clean interpretation of these fairy tales. I for one would love to see a Disney interpretation of a movie like “Hostel” or “Friday the 13th” Unfortunately that probably wont happen though since Jason Vorhees doesn’t kill children. Oh well.

If disney did it, he would be the ex boyfriend of DB Sweeney from the movie "The Cutting Edge"