1. Cry hard – “Steel Magnolias” meets “Thelma and Louise” in this overly boring movie about emotions and internal human conflict.
There are movies based on classic novels that deal with these types of emotions, spiritual growth and holistic healing. Quite frankly however I’m glad this movie was never made as it would only waste 3 ½ hours of peoples lives.
Cry Hard is way too long, packed with single gender jokes, and histrionic blubbering that no real person could possible relate to. Although I laughed at the part where the main two characters drove of the cliff and hit Sylvester Stallone who just happened to be cliff hanging at the time, the rest of the movie was way too serious to be taken seriously.
Yes the main character loses love, right after she gets fired, and when her dad comes over the next day with new puppy and she accidentally backs over it with her car, it is kind of sad. However. These come off as random events with no real story and as such, make the movie more humorous than sad or inspirational.
2. Total Recall 2 – Just when you thought a 50 million dollar budget guaranteed you a block buster.
Psycho made you afraid of the shower. Jaws made you afraid of the Ocean. Arachnophobia made you arachnophobic, and total recall 2 will make you afraid of your breakfast.
A warped minded serial killer (aren’t all serial killers warped?) decides to start a spree of ironic killings by poisoning Total Cereal boxes (serial killer = cereal killer, booo!) this causes a massive product recall. Of course it doesn’t take long for the police to realize that it is an inside job. The plot focuses back and forth accusing a disgruntled employee who wanted to see the value of his employer’s company hit rock bottom, and a corporate takeover specialist who is currently funding a hostile takeover of the cereal company in the midst of the product recall.
There is almost no action in this movie and the plot is really more “made for tv” I highly recommend not bringing the movie into the production phase.
3. Underworld 4 – So we’ve had a zombie craze, werewolf craze, vampire craze, and now werewolf vs vampire craze. The next logical step, werewolf vs vampire, vs zombie craze.
When they made a half vampire half werewolf they didn’t think what would happen if the evolved creature bit someone. As we all know, nobody (other than a Corvino) can survive a bite from both a vampire and a werewolf. However, The Werevamp’s bite (yes I’m using werevamp over “vampwolf” or “wolfpire”) has a unique consequence. It kills your humanity, but both the vampire virus, and lycanthropy virus remain in the body creating a being who’s only function is the desire to feed. In other words..”A Zombie”.
As the Z-virus spreads exponentially (Yes I mean “Z” virus, not “T” virus), the vampires find they must team up with their ancient enemies (the werewolves) in order wipe out the zombies and eliminate “patient zero” The first human to become infected with the Z-Virus, and the only zombie that kept his human sentience after the transmogrification.
In Short, there is no point to making an “Underworld” part 4.
4. Cannibal Hectare
The financial collapse of the housing market caused a string of ghost towns in the mid west united states. The town of Hickton is now surrounded by them. Previously a thriving farming town, Hickton relied financially on trade with the towns on its outskirts. Now it has become a town of lunatics.
With no means of providing food for its livestock, Hickton farmers began feeding their cows, pigs, and other farm animals with ground up body parts of their former barn mates. This causes an outbreak of mad cow disease, as well as mad pig, mad goat, and mad everything else.
As the residents of Hickton begin eating the toxic animals, they too begin to lose there sanity, and when their food runs out, they begin trying to eat each other, creating a “madman disease”
Cannibal Hectare depicts one family’s battle to not only escape lunacy, but to use the power of their love to refrain from their cannibalistic urges.
5. Myers vs Jason vs Leprechaun etc
As far as cheap horror movies go, this is a must make. It is still a horrible movie, but that’s what makes it good. Its kinda like the expendables in that it has an all star cast, but instead of actors, it uses characters.
Jason vs Michael Myers has been on everyone’s mind since the movie Freddy vs Jason, but this movie also features Wishmaster, vs Candyman and Pin vs the Slient Night Deadly Night orphan. Of course the battle when Chucky and the Leprechaun are playing in the snow and they accidentally create the Jack frost snowman killer is obscurely funny as well.
6. The Comedian – It no laughing matter when Bill the comedian gets booed off stage. He takes it personally.
Essentially, this movie is about a very unsuccessful comedian who gets booed off stage and then captures one of the hecklers from the audience and kills them if they don’t laugh genuinely at his new material. Being unfunny anyway, and under huge amounts of stress and fear, none of his victims even come close to laughing at his jokes.
When Bill captures an audience member (Jim) that laughs hysterically from the extreme amounts of stress however, he begins to feel successful for the first time in his life. He begins to create new funnier material that even his audience laughs at. As Bill becomes successful for the first time in his life he begins to feel attachment toward his victim. With time, the stress of being held captive by a madman diminishes and Jim stops laughing at Bill’s new comic routines.
Bill tries the new material out on an audience and finds that they all laugh. He realizes that a lot of his success has come from just the mental confidence and genuine will to bring laughter into peoples lives. He is briefly held back in remorse as he realizes that Jim is no longer needed.
“You can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs” he says to himself at the end. As he smiles basking in his secret of success.
7. To Kill a Stalking Nerd.
When a Slave Lea meets a royally dressed Aragon at a local sci fi convention, its love at first fight.
Initially annoyed by each other, Eva and Brian (dressed as Princess Lea from Star Wars and Aragon from Lord of the Rings) argue about who is better looking between the elf princess in LOTR and Princess Lea. The law of opposites creates attraction, and at first they are inseparable. Being a first time relationship for both of them, their desire ends up leading to jealousy as they both begin stalking each other online to determine if the other is cheating.
They both get the idea to set up a sting to catch the other cheating by pretending to be someone else, and when they see each other at the agreed location (the warehouse where the sci fi convention was held), both Eva and Brian conclude that the other is there for an affair with their cyber double. Insane with jealosy they have a prop war with lightsabers, phasers and more until they both end up in a freak accident “War of the Roses” type death.
Worst Stalker Movie Ever.
8. Leggo my Preggo
When Shelly agrees to be a surrogate mother for couples that can’t conceive she gets more than she bargained for. A mix up at the clinic accidentally makes her a surrogate mother for 2 different couples. The twins being from two different fathers and two different mothers.
She is told by the fertility clinic that they won’t be able to test the mother/father combination of the twins until they are born. This creates a bizarre love triangle where the couples begin to fight over different aspects of Shelly’s pregnancy. As well, both the fathers start to experience strong feeling towards her.
This movie is kind of believable, and it is sort of sad when you find out she has a miscarriage. It just makes no sense why they let her keep her job as a Matador after she became pregnant, which is why Leggo my Preggo makes the list of “the worst” movies never made.
9. Shallow Hal 2 – They Live! When Hal is hypnotized by Tony Robbins something strange happens. All the physically attractive people are revealed to be aliens. At first Hal thinks he’s going mad since Mr. Robbins was supposed to hypnotize him into seeing the “inner beauty” of people. Not reveal the physically beautiful people as aliens.
Hal later realizes that all of Hollywood is run by aliens and that stardom isn’t about good looks at all, its an alien conspiracy to make humans accept alien domination. The only question remaining, do they come in peace.
Although it was good to see Rowdy Roddy Piper do a cameo, this script of Shallow Hal 2 should be scrapped for a cheesy take off along the lines of the second Dumb and Dumber.
10. Grambo – Second Blood (Rambo meets Gran Torino meets the Matrix meets something by Ivan Reitman)
When Phyllis Hanson (Grandmother of 3) begins to experience osteoporosis, she volunteers for an new experimental procedure that will make her bones unbreakable and muscles anabolicly stronger, as well as restore her estrogen levels back to normal.
Everything works out fine in the beginning with one excepted caveat. Her new hormonal balance seems to be pulling her backward through menopause!
Of course a group neighborhood thugs picked the worst time to target her grand children for their gang and she plans to put a stop to it. When blood is drawn against the children of her second born (her first born was named John Rambo) she transmogrifies into a pms, menopausal, adrenaline fueled, “Roid Rage” taking out the street trash one punk at a time.
Although Grambo is a non stop action flick that Betty White plays quite well, it lacks any real story or imagination. With the exception of the scene where she kicks the bad guy in the eye with her high heel shoe, you pretty much see the whole movie in the preview.
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