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Everyone always assumes that their favorite video game badass is frozen in time when they aren’t killing zombies or saving the world. At Daft Gadgets, we believe that to be both egotistical and just plain wrong. We own the rights to play as the character in our games, but we don’t own the right to dictate the lives they lead outside of our game pads. They lives they live outside their on screen adventures might not be as exciting as hacking someone down with a pick axe or playing spy in a cardboard box, but everyone, even game characters need their downtime.
Our list of attempts to show you how the our warped collective minds view the lives of the human beings behind their badass game character personas.
4. Solid Snake:
World Saving Hero and Hide and seek champion
While it’s true that Snake’s smoking doesn’t really make for role model material, it’s his style of hide and seek that has people saying that he is kind of a dick. He lost his championship title for a while because people just started kicking every cardboard box lying around. He didn’t honestly think that would work forever did he? Once his octocam was fully functional he, once again, took hide and seek to the next level. However, It was all fun and games until the pressure and success of being the grand hide and seek champion went to his head.
It began with snake pulling somewhat hilarious pranks on his friends…err…friend Otacon. He would trip him and they would laugh because, well, Otacon designed the damn thing so he had it coming anyway. Once Snake became bored of that, however, things got ugly. He would enter hide and seek games that was not invited to. Parents and children alike were pretty much horrified when a full grown man with a mustache and a mullet would stand up in the middle of a playground and shout “I win losers!”
Only once did a child ever truly challenge the master, and the illustration shows why he was also the last.
3. Nathan Drake and Lara Croft
Nathan Drake is basically a slightly intoxicated Indiana Jones. Lara Croft is already rich and just has a thing for competition. People have been comparing these two ever since Drake hit the scene a few years back. Lara had been out of shape at that point so putting up fisticuffs would have not ended well. Instead, PBS hosts a weekly bout called Antiques Roadshow. At first they competed by bringing in lost treasures to be appraised. This quickly grew old for both of them for different reasons. Not enough explosions for Drake, and not enough shooting defenseless animals for Lara.
This gave way to an all new competition. They put their swindling abilities to the test to see who could talk the most swag out of people by pretending to be hosts on the show. Nate would be his usual bumbling, charming self while Lara would confuse people with her accent. Both have since been discredited by the archeologists society and have been last seen selling anything from fake holy grails to fake Faberge eggs.
2. Leon Kennedy
Rocks “non” zombies’ faces off too
It was pretty clear that he is emo with that haircut he sported. Feeling dead “inside” he carries a deep connection and understanding of the undead, believing that they only attack us so that they can die a final death and end their time in shrodinger’s hell.
After a hard day’s work of blowing the heads off a procession of zombies, he needs to vent his despair. His band “Zombie Suicide” might not top the charts but that doesn’t stop him from raping peoples’ ears with what he calls music.
After vampire kids were all the rage, Leon was sure that he could compel some of the youth to transform into zombie kids. He was right. Sort of. Some kids did start to dress like zombies at first but that only made it more difficult for people to disseminate who was a real zombie and who wasn’t. This caused a psychotic break in Leon and he started on a path of killing everything that looked remotely like a zombie.
He is currently incarcerated and charged in the death of various rock stars, runway models, and DMV employees.
1. Glad0s volunteers for a suicide hot line
Glad0s’ ear speakers perked up when she heard of a suicide hotline for humans that was seeking volunteers. Problem is, for the humans, that Glad0s sort of completely hates people.
Her first caller said that he wanted to hang himself, but was troubled regarding the last memory his family would have of him and wondered if he should kill himself in either his best suit or go out and rent a tux for the occasion. Glas0s informed him that it probably wouldn’t matter what he was wearing because humans loose control of their bowels when they kill themselves in this fashion.
Needless to say, his family was both confused and horrified to find him hanging from the ceiling naked wearing nothing but a diaper.
On another occasion, a caller told her that he hated life because it the world he lived in was such a horrible place, so much in fact and that he wished he hadn’t been born. Glad0s then responded that it was a selfish act for the caller to kill himself and that he had a duty to save anyone else who lived in the same horrible place he did buy preventing the birth of others. The caller later put on a hockey mask and went on a killing spree, focusing primarily on couples who he believed were copulating.
Although the movie rights turned into one of the best selling horror film series of all time, Glad0s ended up being fired due to bad PR and currently works as a computer customer service phone operator for a mobile phone company
Other great words of advice from Glad0s are:
“I’d just like to point out that you were given every opportunity to succeed. There was even going to be a party for you. A big party that all your friends were invited to. All your other friends couldn’t come either, because you don’t have any other friends. Because of how unlikeable you are. It says so here in your personnel file: Unlikeable. Liked by no one. A bitter, unlikeable loner whose passing shall not be mourned. ‘Shall not be mourned.’ That’s exactly what it says. Very formal, very official. It also says you were adopted. So that’s funny, too.”
“Speaking of curiosity, you’re curious about what happens after you die, right? Guess what? I know! You’re going to find out first-hand before I can finish telling you, though, so I won’t bother. I’ll give you a hint: you’re going to want to pack as much living as you possibly can into the next couple of minutes.”
“I have your brain scanned and permanently backed up in case something terrible happens to you… which it’s just about to. Don’t believe me? Here. I’ll put you on. [in a high pitched voice] Hello! [normal voice] That’s you! That’s how dumb you sound! You’ve been wrong about every single thing you’ve ever done, including this thing. You’re not smart. You’re not a scientist. You’re not a doctor. You’re not even a full-time employee. Where did your life go so wrong?”
“We’re a lot alike, you and I. You tested me. I tested you. You killed me. I—oh, no, wait. I guess I haven’t killed you yet. Well. Food for thought.
At the end of the day, it is important to understand that some of the most popular video game characters have lives off screen. We may not envision their lives as very glamorous but perhaps that just adds to the absolute realism of video games these days.
Feel free to add your own comments as to what you think video game characters do in their off time!
“There’s a sucker born every minute” David Hannum (in Reference to P.T Barnum’s Customers)
1. The Cardiff Giant
What was the Cardiff Giant?
The Cardiff Giant was one of the most famous hoaxes in the history of the United States. Essentially it was a 10 foot petrified man that was purported to have been unearthed from the soil of the town of Cardiff New York.
Who did it?
The giant was the creation of a New York tobacconist named George Hull.
Why did he create this hoax?
While visiting one of his rock quarries, hull noticed a piece of stone that looked like it had human veins running through it. At this point he thought to himself “I bet if I carved up that stone to look like a human giant I could get the last laugh on those Methodists” (Hull, an atheist, decided to create the giant after an argument at a Methodist revival meeting about the passage in Genesis 6:4 stating that there were giants who once lived on Earth)
Hull then instructed some workers to cut a giant slab from the veined stone, which he later shipped to Chicago where he had hired a stone cutter named Edward Burghardt to carve this biblical giant. (Burghardt was unaware that he was carving a statute for a hoax). Once finished, he had some trusted allies bury the giant underground where it would lay in wait for one year.
Around a year later, some fossils were found nearby, and Hull used this discovery to spring his hoax into action.
Ordering to workers to dig a well where the giant was buried, two laborers made what they thought would be the discovery of a lifetime! Rushing to tell the whole town, word spread fast and eventually had people showing up from all over the country to look at (and pay admission for) the stone giant from biblical times.
Scientists and experts came to the conclusion that it was either a true fossilized human giant or an authentic ancient statue. Nobody, said it was a hoax.
P.T. Barnum, noticed all the commotion and attempted to buy the statue to show in his museum. When the price came back as $50,000 (Hull had sold 2/3rds of the statue to a banker named David Hannum) Barnum decided it was easier to create his own fake statue.
He then declared that Hannum sold him the original and that the one in Cardiff was just a fake. After this news, thousands flocked to Barnum’s exhibit to which David Hannum was quoted as saying “There’s a sucker born every minute” …… (He still believed his statue to be real)
2. The Lying Stones
What were the lying stones?
The lying stones were limestone that had been carved into the shapes of lizards, frogs, spiders, and other animals. The stones also had in them the carved name of God in Latin, Arabic, and Hebrew characters.
Who Discovered them?
Professor Johann Bartholomeus Adam Beringer (ca 1667 – 1738) of the faculty of medicine at the university of Wurzburg.
Who Created this Hoax?
Hoaxers by the name of J. Ignatz Roderick (ex Jesuit) and professor of geography and mathematics, and Johann Georg von Eckhart.
Why did they do it?
They didn’t like him. They felt that Beringer was arrogant and needed a “comeuppance”
Essentially, they hid the stones on Mount Eibelstadt (a place where Beringer frequently went to search for fossils.)
The stones included “lizards in their skin, birds with beaks and eyes, spiders with their webs, and frogs copulating.” Other stones lain there bore the Hebrew letters YHVH, for Jehovah, or God.
When Beringer found them He believed them to be natural products of the “plastic power” of the inorganic world.
When critics pointed out that there was evidence of chisel marks, Beringer became convinced that they were the chisel marks of God. In fact nobody could convince him otherwise, not even the hoaxers.
The hoaxers had been putting more and more crazy rocks on the mountain for him to find, at first finding the whole thing amusing. However, the whole hoax started to get out of hand and they tried to convince him that maybe “someone else” was playing a hoax on him.
Beringer decided that they were just trying to discredit his great discovery, and brought them to court to “save his honor”
Unfortunately when he did this, they confessed the whole story. The careers of all three men were ruined.
When asked why they played such a hoax, they replied:
“he was so arrogant and despised us all.”
3. The Tasaday Tribe
What The Heck Was The Tasaday Tribe?
The Tasaday Tribe were a bunch of people forced to pretend that they were an ancient cave dwelling tribe.
Who Created this Hoax?
Manual Elizalde, head of PANAMIN (the Philippine government agency nonstock, nonprofit organization created to protect the interests of Philippine cultural minorities.)
Elizalde had all sorts of press and was able to get a picture of a Tasaday boy climbing vines to appear on the August 1972 edition of National Geographic He also got a National Geographic documentary named “The Last Tribes of Mindanao” created for the Tasaday.
Why Did he put on this Hoax?
Probably To steal money. He cleaned out millions from the Tasaday fund when he fled the country.
The Tasaday people were interviewed later on ABC’s show 20/20 and confessed that they were bribed with cigarettes, clothing, food and more to play along in Elizalde’s game.
4. The Great Moon Hoax
What was the Great Moon Hoax?
The Great Moon Hoax refers to a six article series put out by the New York Sun on August 25, 1835.
The articles went into great detail of crazy “non” mythical animals on the Moon, including bison, goats, unicorns, bipedal tail-less beavers and Batman.
(Okay they were actually bat-winged humanoids (“Vespertilio-homo”) who built temples on the moon, not bat caves, but close enough.
All These discoveries were supposedly made with “an immense telescope of an entirely new principle”.
Of course when someone came to see this telescope, the hoaxers said it was so powerful that the sun turned the telescope into a giant “Burning Glass” that burned down the observatory, all the evidence, and vaporized the telescope.
Who perpetrated this hoax?
Authorship of the article has been attributed to Richard A. Locke, a Cambridge-educated reporter who, in August 1835, was working for the New York Sun.
Why did he do it?
Assuming that Richard A. Locke was the author, his intentions were probably, first, to create a sensational story which would increase sales of the New York Sun, and, second, to ridicule some of the more extravagant astronomical theories that had recently been published.
Its also possible that he took a hallucinogenic drug in the observatory and imagined the whole thing before burning it down himself.
5. War of The Worlds
What was the War of the Worlds Hoax?
The War of the Worlds was an American radio drama directed by Orson Welles, who adapted the H.G. Wells story titled “The War of the Worlds”
Presented as an actual news story, many listeners began to believe that Martians were in fact invading the U.S.A. Some listeners were seen fleeing in panic, thinking they could smell poison gas or see flashes of lightning in the distance.
It was said at the time that 1.7 million people believed the broadcast to be genuine, and out of those 1.2 million were genuinely frightened.
However, these numbers were later said to be inflated by newspaper companies who felt that radio threatened their position as the number one “Press Medium”
Some of you may have heard of “The Legend of The Emerald Tablet” a.k.a. “The Secret of Hermes” and wondered, “Is there any reality to this wizardry?”
The answer is yes.
Now lets be clear. At Daft Gadgets we would like nothing more than to prove that anyone of us can turn into a Jedi Knight or some cooler version of Harry Potter, but that doesn’t mean we distort evidence to prove the existence of mythical beings.
According to “The Secret of Hermes” (based upon Hermes Trismegistus), the emerald tablet revealed the secret of the primordial substance and its transmutations. (Take That Darwin)
Hermes was said to have been clutching the emerald tablet in his arms in his death bed.
Although this legend is in fact “A legend,” there have been some true wizards through out the ages that you may not have heard of.
The frist being….
1. Roger Bacon aka Doctor Mirabilis
The name “Dr. Mirabilis” is a medieval praise meaning: “Wonderful Teacher.”
This Wonderful teacher was known as an English philosopher and Franciscan friar who studied nature through empirical methods. He is sometimes credited as one of the first European advocates of the modern scientific method that was inspired by early Greek philosophers.
As one of the first real wizards, Roger Bacon:
-revealed the role of air in burning, and
-predicted inventions of the future including cars, ships and aircrafts.
His Opus Majus contains treatments of mathematics, optics, alchemy (and the manufacture of gunpowder), the positions and sizes of the celestial bodies and how they could possibly influence the fate of humans.
He was also sent to jail at one point for being a magician or “Wizard” possibly due to his arcane knowledge of alchemy.
2. John Dee 1527-1608
John Dee was a noted English mathematician, astronomer, astrologer, occultist, navigator, imperialist who devoted much of his life to the study of alchemy, divination and Hermetic philosophy.
Basically…he was a wizard.
To some of his contemporaries, Dee was an “Evil Wizard.”
This may have been due to the fact that he was always trying to speak with angles through their universal language of creation in order to bring the apocalypse.
To be fair, Dee was actually trying to bring the Pre-Apocalyptic unity of human kind with a one world religion. Unfortunately, some saw this as just another step closer to the apocalypse, which was a pretty scary thought for most people, and may have led to his charges of treason and “calculating” in the year 1555.
The Calculating charge was for casting a horoscopes of Queen Mary and Princess Elizabeth and was just the first of many slander cases against the wizard.
Dee was an intensely pious Christian wizard who believed that the nature of the universe was an act of numbering and that mankind had the potential for divine power, if they could unlock the secrets to this number through mathematics.
His goal was to recapture the knowledge of the universe through the pure theology of the ancients and bring forth a unified world.
3. Paracelsus 1493 1541
“Many have said of Alchemy, that it is for the making of gold and silver. For me such is not the aim, but to consider only what virtue and power may lie in medicines.”
Paracelsus means equal to or greater than Celsus (Celsus being the 1st century Roman medical encyclopedist.)
The real name of this wizard was Philippus Aureolus Theophrastus Bombastus von Hohenheim (yes its a mouthful).
Paracelsus pioneered the idea of small chemicals to treat illness which was the basis for our modern day pharmacology
He is also recognized as giving Zinc its name, which is really important if you can imagine a world without zinc! (see video below)
4. Trithemius – 1462 1516
Trithemius’ most famous work is the Book Steganographia.
The book appears to be about magic at first glance, however scientists now belive the book was actually about cryptography. Now, Trithemius was accused of dealing with the occult. It was probably the view of those who couldn’t read the secret messages, that if someone is hiding something, it must be evil magic (actually all magic was evil back then)
Steganographia was the first book on secret codes.
5. Nicolas Flamel 1330-1417
According to some, Flamel was the greatist european alchemist of his time.
This posthumous reputation is mostly due to his reputed work on “the philosopher’s stone.” (no he didn’t write the Harry Potter book) Yes, that’s right, Flamel is said to have created the “elixir of life” and developed the ability to turn lead into gold!
Although no formal proof of this wizard’s claims exist, Flamel and his wife were noted for their wealth and philanthropy as have provided many other interpretations on the subject of alchemy.
He has also been referenced by great names like Victor Hugo, and Issac Newton, as well as pop culture references like Indiana Jones and Harry Potter.
Test Your Own Wizardry With Our Magic Levitating Wand!
We realize everyone has their own opinion as to which superheroes are tougher, or who would win over who in a fight over who. As such, at Daft Gadgets, we believe in democracy and everyone’s right to have their own wrong opinion as to who the toughest superpowerless heroes are.
We define a superpower, as something that is preternatural to humans. For example, mutants are an evolved branch from humans and their powers don’t count, so wolverine would have to fight with bleeding hands and the inability to regenerate faster than a normal human. Kwai Chang Caine gets his power from within his chi and as such we might count him if we liked him more, whereas nobody from the movie kungfu hustle would qualify for our list, even though we found them all to be very amusing.
So lets begin with
#5 Frank Castle a.k.a: “The Punisher”
Now the Castle isn’t known so much for his technique in hand to hand combat as he is for his “in your face” catch a fly with a bazooka mentality. He employs many anti hero tactics like murder, kidnapping, extortion, coercion, threats of violence, and torture to get his way, so he’s kind of like a bad guy in an identity crisis.
These tactics take the readers focus off his supreme fighting skills as a well placed punch is often less exciting than a live grenade in someones pants or shot gun in someones mouth.
That being said, Castle is a war veteran trained as a master of martial arts, stealth tactics, guerrilla warfare, and almost every form of weaponry.
Who Did The Punisher Fight That Makes Him So Tough?
He fought Spiderman on more than one occasion, although he was defeated in the majority. He believed Spiderman was a killer and was tricked into seeking revenge against him.
He took out Rhino without any serious problems
He also defeated Venom when he learned Venom was the killer “Eddie Brock” (Although he let him go when he ran out of sniper bullets)
He defeated Daken, the mutant son of Wolverine
He broke his arm and sent him through three walls and on to a subway track where he electrocuted him and allowed a subway to run him down.
He also defeated Deadpool multiple times before blowing his head off. (which grew back) and Daredevil, who tried to come to the aid of the innocent Deadpool.
This is by no means a complete list of the Punisher’s top foes, but you get the idea.
#4. Ben Turner/Bronze Tiger
After killing his parents murderer with a Kitchen knife, Ben Turner turned to the martial arts as a way to help quell the inner rage of his soul. Studying along side Richard Dragon under the teachings of Master O-Sensei, Ben Turner became one of the greatest martial artists in world.
He has been considered by most to be one of the top 5 martial artists in the DC Universe and is still considered to be top 10 even though he has lost popularity over the years.
Who did he beat up that was so tough?
Uhhh…. Batman. More than once.
This alone is enough for Ben Turner to make our list.
#3. Lady Shiva
The Same Master O-Sensei that trained Ben Turner also had a god daughter named Sandra Woosan. Wooson is known to be the deadliest assassin the DC universe and currently goes by the code name “Lady Shiva”
Who did she beat up that makes her so tough?
Well she handled Victor Sage (the question) without much of a problem, although that was before his training with Richard Dragon.
She also defeated and helped retrain Batgirl (who turned out to be her daughter), and gave a pretty serious liking to the third Robin, “Time Drake”
Add to the list “Connor Hawke” (The Second Green Arrow)who was defeated during a martial arts tournament. (His life was spared at Robin’s request.)
On top of everything, she has mastered a move known as the Leopard Blow, that will apparently kill any opponent instantly, even the Great Richard Dragon.
#2. Shang Chi
Even the Great Iron Fist himself confessed that Shang Chi was a superior fighter, which is a pretty big deal since Iron Fist has the superpower known as “Shou Lou the undying”
Shang Chi’s name means a rising and advancing spirit. He has teamed up with the Sons of Tiger, Iron Fist, Jack of Hearts, White Tiger, Spiderman, the Thing, and even ROM the Space knight.
Shang is also a master of every martial arts weapon
Who has Shang Fought that makes him so tough?
Well, he did defeat and kill his father in a brutal engagement as well as his younger half brother “Moving Shadow”
Shang Chi also came to blows with the Man Thing (pardon the expression), The Shadow Stalker, Razor Fist, Shockwave, Skull Crusher, Zaran, Silver Samurai.
He has also once held off a crowd of 30 super criminals for Captain America, a so called “super human”.
It may come as no surprise that Batman is listed in the #1 slot.
Throughout the comic ages Batman has become one of the most powerful human beings in the DC Universe, despite having no superhuman powers.
By training with the most brilliant minds on the earth in the fields of science, biology, criminology, and other areas, Batman has molded himself in a Jeet Kune Do fashion that allows him to utilize his evolving strengths in a way no comic character has before him.
Who did Batman beat up that makes him so tough?
Yes, that’s right. Batman beat the daylights out of Superman. Batman believes Superman is a government sellout and prepares a final battlefield in his honor. Superman walks into traps of electricity and ultra sonic sound waves before finally taking a Kryptonite arrow (developed by batman) to the chest. Batman’s grasps the throat of Superman and delivers the final words:
“We could have changed the world…now…look at us…I’ve become a political liability…and…you…you’re a joke. I want you to remember, Clark…in all the years to come…in your most private moments…I want you to remember…my hand…at your throat…I want…you to remember…the one man who beat you.”
Batman is a master disguise artist and profiler, capable of ninja like stealth and Houdini like escapology. This allows him to treat every battle as just a battle in a much larger war. Although he refuses to take life, and has been forced to retreat, Batman becomes stronger after ever defeat. He has lost many one on one battles but has consistently proven himself as the victor of the war, and as such, wins the top spot among the superpowerless heroes.
Other notable mentions:
Wolverine (without powers)
Marv from Sin City
The King Pin
“I Want to Eat Your Children!” – Mike Tyson
Although many of us may remember the famous line directed to Lennox Lewis from Mike Tyson (he’s feeling much better now), most of us just shook it off as some random insanity from a declining superstar boxer.
However, some of us thought to ourselves: “I think he might actually do it if given the chance.”
At Daft Gadgets, we find that some of the best (and most interesting) ideas come directly from the realms of insanity and as such, we are not afraid to investigate deeper in to any insane ideas from eating children to working 9-5 jobs.
Believe it or not, it turns out that eating children isn’t that crazy at all!
In fact, some people have put forth some very logical arguments for the act of pedocannibalism (yes we made that word up.)
We’re going to save the moral debate of Exocannibalism vs Endocannibalism (no we didn’t make these words up)for another time and focus this post entirely around people who might eat your children.
The First being:
#5. Johnathan Swift
Johnathan Swift was a satirist, and political pamphleteer who created great works like: Gulliver’s travels, The Battle of the Books, and A Modest Proposal.
A Modest Proposal is a guide to ease poverty by selling your children as food for the rich.
Swift delves deep to support his proposal, listing the calculations and financial benefits of pedocannibalism while making allusions to the overall yummyness of a prepared child.
Swift is quoted as saying:
“A young healthy child well nursed, is, at a year old, a most delicious nourishing and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee, or a ragoust.”
Swift later argues that landlords have already devoured most of their parents and are therefore most entitled to the children as they already have experience in cannibalism.
Although Swift’s message is a Jab at using human’s a resources, we wouldn’t trust him with a newborn baby during any type of famine, particularly in any place dingos are known to roam.
Cronos was the sun of Uranus.
He was known as Cronos to the “Greeks” and “Saturn” to the Romans. Cronos castrated his father and and threw his genitals into the sea. With his father out of the way, he became the supreme ruler of the universe.
Unfortunately it occurred to him, that if he could castrate and kill his father, one of his children may very well castrate and kill him!
Seeking the advice of a prophet, Cronos was told that in fact, one of his children would dispose of him in the future. This gave him the ingenious idea of eating his children. He figured that if he ate them when they were young and helpless, they would never grow up to hurt him.
Ironically, nobody wanted to hurt Cronos until he started eating children, and in the end he suffered a self fulfilling prophecy.
According to some, Zeus made Cronos the lead soprano in his choir before sending him to the underworld.
Tantalus shows up in Homer’s “Nekuia” where he is suffering eternal torture in the Tartarus region of Greek Hell. Although he’s not really a pedocannibal, he did create a feast for the gods where he stews his own son, Pelops. (Mmmm, Tantalizing!)
The gods weren’t really keen on eating humans, but the goddess Demeter was distracted by the loss of her daughter Persephone, and chowed down on Pelops like he was a chicken wing.
We’re not sure, but we think that this transgression is kind of like serving someone “Blue Shark” for dinner and then telling them its actually flipper the bottle nosed dolphin.
Eitherway, Tantalus isn’t someone you want around the Kitchen.
Another gift from the Greeks is the story of Lamia.
Queen Lamia was considered the avatar of beauty in libya. In fact, she carried with her a preternatural goddess like beauty that was probably passed down from her grand parents Poseidon and Lybie, although some tell her tale as the mistress of Zeus himself.
With the Zeus interpretation, Hera (Zeus’ wife) kills Lamia’s children, which in turn empowers her negative emotions to turn her into a serpent like demon.
Either way, Lamia is known as the demon devourer of children and has been commonly used by parents who wish to scare their children into obedience for centuries.
If you are familiar with the ways parents traumatize their children, you are also familiar with the story of Tom Thumb.
In the story, the mean ogre is trying to kill Tom and his brothers so he can eat them. Tom however, is a crafty lad, and tricks the Ogre into slitting the throats of his own children.
Now at Daft Gadgets, were pretty sure that this image is a great way to put kids to sleep. That being said, in order to protect your children from an ogre they will have to know what an ogre is, and judging from the photo above, its safe to say that Disney has slowly been getting “less real” and more “fairy tale” since they traumatized half the population by killing off Bamby’s mom with a shot gun blast.
So what is an Ogre?
Well, no one is really sure. The best description probably comes from Wikipedia where they state that an ogre is a large, cruel, monstrous and hideous humanoid monster that usually feed on humans. They are closely related to a troll, but are usually less malevolent.
So if you see someone or something that resembles this description, we suggest you run.
Believe us, Shrek becomes a lot less funny once you see him eat a baby.
Tired of Diets that don’t work? Now you can get real thin real fast by moving around your organs!
What is Tightlacing?
Tightlacing is the practice of wearing tightly laced garments to make your body appear more curvy.
Is it dangerous?
No this isn’t anything dangerous like some sort of plastic surgery, tightlacing or “corsetry is the act of squeezing your waist together over long periods of time so that your body will readjust your spleen in way that takes up much less space in your abdomen.
Now there are some side effects. For example, your lung capacity will diminish and cause you to breath intercostally (from the upper part of the lung), but this also makes for bigger boobs, so again, its a trade off.
As an added bonus, the tight compression on your stomach prevents you from over eating, so you’ll lose weight too!
Does it Hurt?
Well, they say beauty is painful, but we like to think of a corset as being a nice big hug for your body. And who doesn’t like to get hugged?
#2. Cranial Binding
Ever wonder if you were actually spawned by aliens?
At Daft Gadgets we’re pretty sure that in some galaxies a big pointy coned head must be attractive. At least this is the only reason we can come up with to describe the insane head flattening practices of the Ancient Myans.
What is Cranial Binding?
Its the method of apply long term force and pressure on someone’s skull in order to change its shape without breaking it. It was believed that someone with an “egg head” was somehow smarter or more spiritually enlightened than your every day common round head.
Are these techniques dangerous?
Possibly to an Adult because an adult’s skull is a fusion of 22 different bones into a single skull. Luckily, this procedure was performed on babies whose skulls were comprised of 44 unfused and mmalleable boney elements.
Did these Head Flattening techniques Hurt?
Uh….well you would have to ask the babies who had their heads put in vices to find out, and as we know very well, babies can’t talk. This thereby proves that there is no proof that flattening heads causes pain when using the advanced alien ancient Mayan technology seen below.
#3. Tooth Sharpening
More than just for Klingons and Ferrengi, tooth sharpening can be a great way to pick up ladies if you’re a guy, however females with sharpen teeth have been known to scare males away in some species.
What is Tooth Sharpening?
Tooth sharpening is the process of filing down teeth until they are nice and pointy. Kind of like a shark or dinosaur would have.
In the Bali culture, straight teeth were thought to represent anger and jealousy.
As you can tell this guy below doesn’t look angry at all!
Does it hurt.
We’re not sure, but there is something about the thought of grinding teeth that gives us that “nails on a chalkboard” feeling.
Are these techniques dangerous?
Well maybe, but they are probably still less dangerous than the ancient Chinese Ta Ya Kih Lau tradition of knocking out a brides teeth on their wedding day (it was thought that this would prevent damage to the husbands family)
#4. Neck Rings
First there was the Mamenchisaurus then there was the Giraffe, and then the uhhh Padaung?
What the hell are these Neck Ringed Padauangs ?
Padaungs (not to be confused with the Jedi Students named “Padawans”) are also known as Kayan Lahwi. Ironically the Borneo Kayan were once fierce warriors and “Head Hunters,” so were not really sure why the Burma Kayan would make their heads easier to cut off?
Does it hurt?
Probably. Nick rings are essentially an ever growing coil that wraps around your neck more and more as you grow and become deformed. Kind of like a boa constrictor that never loosens its grip on your neck, but never squeezes tight enough to kill you.
Are they dangerous.
There is no proven medical concern at this time, but do we really need some scientist to tell us that elongating the appearance of our necks is unsafe?
#5. Sclera Tattooing
Hey, you know how to make yourself look really cool? Stick an ink filled needle in your eye.
What is it?
Unlike Corneal Tattooing that may be used for medical reconstruction of your eyes, scelra tattooing is a newer more extreme process of body modification. Its basically tattooing the whites of your eyes.
Does it hurt?
If you believe the experts, no, it doesn’t hurt. Apparently there are no nerve endings on the surface of your eyes.
Is it Dangerous?
The after effects include minor pain, bruising, and discomfort as well as some blistering, but if done incorrectly sclera tattooing could lead to blindness.
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Not to be confused with the fictional character from DC comics seen below, ambush bugs stem from nature’s group of assassin bugs. Known as masters of camouflage, ambush bugs blend in to their surroundings so well, its as if they attack out of thin air.
Armed with mantis like forelegs, ambush bugs routinely capture prey ten or more times their own size.
2. The Scops Owl
Trust us, its in there if you look close enough.
Scops owls hunt from the darkened decrepit hallows of old trees. Their favorite meals are insects, reptiles, small mammals (like bats or mice) and other small birds.
The owls will also eat earthworms, frogs and aquatic invertebrates
3.Dead Leaf Butterfly
Although no match for a human with a rake, the dead leaf butterfly can easily fool your typical bird brained….uh….bird.
4. Three Toed Sloths
The sloth’s color and its sluggish habits make it hard to spot. Generally it hangs quietly from trees resembling a bundle of leaves.
Their huge claws are used more for sleeping in trees than any type of weapon (they sleep 15-18 hours per day)
On a Daft Note, female sloth mating calls are said to sound like a human woman screaming “Ay Ay!”
The sandy coat of the Fennec Fox helps it hide from its arch nemesis “The Eagle Owl” while also reflecting the heat from the harsh Sahara desert sun.
(Yes an eagle owl can swoop down and steal your Chihuahua as well.)
This is a Hooded Grasshopper is found in India, although it is rarely seen due to its excellent camouflage.
The sneaky mantis lies in wait for a small lizard or bumble bee.
8. Peppered Moths
The caterpillar of the peppered moth is a twig mimic.
9. Tawny Frogmouth
Unlike owls, most frogmouths don’t usually eat small mammals (Although they do make exceptions now and again for the occasional after dinner amphibian.)
They do hide in much the same way as the scops owl and are also much harder to spot when their eyes are shut.
Now you know for sure that its not the Government, CIA, or Aliens who are watching you, but Mother Nature’s Army. If you want to fight back, Daft Gadgets only has one weapon certified to be used on animals, and that’s the Airzooka!
#1 Fear of Loathing in Las Vegas: A savage journey to the Heart of the American Dream.
Raoul Duke: “We had two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a salt shaker half-full of cocaine and a whole galaxy of multicolored uppers, downers, screamers laughers….Also a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of Budweiser, a pint of raw ether, and two dozen amyls [….] But the only thing that worried me was the ether. There is nothing in this world more helpless and irresponsible than a man in the depths of an ether binge, and I knew we’d get into that rotten stuff pretty soon. …. “
Who is the nutcase who made this thing?
Hunter S Thompson. Its loosely based on a trip he took
Who’s in it?
Johnny Depp, Benicio Del Toro and Tobey Maguire
What’s it about?
The story follows , Raoul Duke, and his attorney, Dr. Gonzo, as they descend on Las Vegas to chase the American Dream through a drug-induced haze.
The novel lacks a clear narrative and frequently delves into the surreal, never quite distinguishing between what is real and what is only imagined by the characters.
The basic synopsis revolves around journalist Raoul Duke and his attorney, Dr. Gonzo, as they arrive in 1970s Las Vegas to report on the Mint 400 motorcycle race.
Hunter S Thompson coined the phrase “gonzo journalism” which was essentially getting stoned out of your mind and recording things for the story that the hallucinating journalist finds amusing
During the film, we see the characters move through a series of bizarre hallucinogenic trips, during which they destroy hotel rooms, wreck cars, attack each other and have visions of crazy talking animals, all the while reflecting on the city’s culture of insanity.
Fear of loathing is definitely a trip for your head
A great quote from Fear of Loating in Las Vegas:
“There he goes. One of God’s own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die.“
Requiem for a dream
Who’s the nut case who wrote this thing?
Although the film was put together by Darren Aronosfsky, it is based on a novel by Hubert Selby Jr.
What’s Requiem for a Dream About?
This movie takes the viewer straight into the world of addiction as the main characters all spiral down into a personal hell. Each character gives up all pride, scruples, and love for each other in order to feed the addiction monsters within.
Depending on your mindset at the time, you may find certain scenes either amusing or very disturbing.
If Addiction and heavy imagery are not your thing, you can always try Aronofsky’s movie “Pi” which is based upon a genius’s path to find god and in turn, insanity.
Best line from Requiem for a Dream:
Sara Goldfarb: “How come you know more about medicine than a doctor?”
Harry Goldfarb: “Believe me, Ma: I know. “
Believe it or not, people used to do drugs back in the 60s
Who is the Nutcase who wrote this thing?
The Trip is a cult film written by Jack Nicholson.
What’s “The Trip” all about?
Its about a man who takes his first Dose of LSD to get over the heartbreak of his cheating wife. Although he has a guide in the beginning to help prevent him from doing anything too stupid, he later runs away in a panic, and finds himself wandering the Sunset Strip of California nightclubs.
Best Quote from the Movie: ”Max: I wish there was some hip way of telling you this, baby, but, ah… you’re one with and part of an ever-expanding, loving, joyful, glorious, and harmonious universe.“
Who is the nutcase who wrote this thing?
Although David Cronenberg has an equally warped mind, the original book titled “Naked Lunch” was written by William S. Burrows.
What’s “Naked Lunch” All About?
William Lee (The main character is played by Robocop, a.k.a Peter Weller. )
He becomes convinced that his typewriter is working for a giant bug that is trying to get him to kill his wife because she is part of a spy organization named “interzone incorporated.”
Refusing to believe the lies of some mutant bug, lee returns home and accidentally shoots his wife in the head while performing a William Tell Routine. Realizing he has accidentally accomplished his mission, Robocop (lee) discovers that there is a conspiracy at interzone with a narcotic harvesting operation producing a new drug called “Black Meat” that is derived from the guts of giant centipedes and suddenly, everything his typewriter told him makes perfect sense.