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Posts Tagged ‘Funny’
WTF Toy #1. You Can Shave The Baby.
Yes, now you can shave the baby! The Baby’s pubic hair that is…
The Red Headed baby with armpit and genital hair can only be found in Japan (we wonder why?) We’ve heard of toy babies that fill up diapers, burp, and even breast feed, but even we are scratching our heads at this one. There is also some added hair at the sock line for some reason which only leads us to do one thing. Find the Japanese Bable bot translation for “What the hell were you guys thinking?”
WTF Toy #2. The Placenta Teddy Bear
If you think Placentas are gross, you would probably be shock to know that some people (mostly women we think?) eat their placenta after birth. Possibly to be more like the animals in nature or possibly because of the tangy taste is has, were not sure. Either way, you don’t have to worry if cannibalism is not your thing, now there is a way you and your baby can cherish it for a life time.
The Placenta Teddy Bear by Alex Green.
To make one of these cuddly contraptions, you need to dry out the placenta and cure it with sea salt. Then, after it is dried out, you must add an emulsifying mixture of tannin and egg yolk to make is soft and pliable. Then, its just a matter of imagination and a sewing kit!
WTF Toy #3 Grade up to Elite Cow
This game was put out by the British Beef Association as a way to desensitize kids to the screaming moos cows make in the slaughter house. A wonderful game to play while waiting for dinner, Grade up to Elite Cow will make everyone a little less hungry.
The board game teaches children how beef is processed and graded. Oh, and did we mention? The game starts out at a bull semen auction. Enjoy!
WTF Toy #4. The Nimbus 2000
Yes, Harry Potter was all the rage back in the day. However, “Rage” was the feeling some parents had when they realized their kids were playing with a lookalike broomstick from the Harry Potter movies.
Why you ask?
Because the broomstick came with a wonderful feature that allowed it to vibrate.
Yes, the Nimbus 2000 was a children’s toy that began to vibrate when it was wedged into the child’s crotch area. It was pulled from the shelves pretty fast. We’re not sure who at Mattel was responsible for letting this one out in the first place.
WTF Toy #5. The Peekaboo Stripper Pole…….for Kids!
Yes, it arrived in the U.K. Back in 2006. The peekaboo stripper pole was banned almost immediately. It came complete with a cd of music to strip to, a lacy garter, and a wad of play money, all to be used in conjunction with a collapsible stripper pole.
This one just speaks evil.
For Toys of a Less Evil Nature, See the Geek Toys and Gadgets Section of our Gadget Shop.
Every once in a while, a politician, leader, or dictator will surprise us. We expect them to lie to us, raise taxes, and waste lots of money, but on rare occasions they do something that no one expects. Sometimes we hear touching chicken soup type stories of how the teddy bear got its name after Teddy Roosevelt showed compassion by refusing to shoot a half dead beaten black bear in the face with his shot gun (we added the face part, but we assume the other hunters were asking him for a head shot).
Other times we hear stories of people like Turkmenbashi who ordered the construction of an Ice Zoo in the middle of the Dessert, or stories of Boris Yeltsin outside the white house drunk in his underwear trying to get a cab to take him out for pizza. Its the stories like these that leave us scratching our heads asking
“Is this leader kinda cool, or is he just Nuckin’ Futs?”
1. Francois Duvalier AKA Papa Doc.
Claiming to be Baron Samedi, the Voodoo spirit of death, Papa Doc makes the Daft Gadgets list of Crazy or Cool with ease. By no means are we saying that the Voodoo religion holds a monopoly on “Crazy,” in fact we are currently looking to hire an artist to make custom voodoo dolls of our customer’s ex lovers based upon the photographs then send in. We think that voodoo could be the next big thing for our Gadget Shop.
That aside, were pretty sure that Papa Doc was “Nuckin Futs”
His departure from the land of sanity probably occurred during a 9 hour coma he experienced that left him with massive brain damage. Upon awakening, he demanded his successor (Clement Barbot) be arrested.
So, What is so odd about that?
He told his people that they would have trouble finding him because he had transformed himself into a large black dog.
So what was the most logical thing to do?
Well round up all the black dogs and put them to death of course.
After ordering the death of all the black dogs in Haiti, Clement Barbot was found (obviously because there were no black dogs left for his spirit to hide in) It was at this point that Papa Doc had Clement’s head cut off and preserved for Voodoo uses at a later time.
On his death bed, Papa Doc let out one last final secret. He confessed that he was responsible for JFK’s Assassination…..by way of a Voodoo Curse. He also sent one of his people to the U.S.A to visit Kennedy’s grave and “steal the air” around it so that Papa Doc could control JFK’s soul in the afterlife with a spell.
Now as “Cool” as all this sounds, our vote for Papa Doc is on the “Crazy” side.
Jaime Nebot serves as the Mayor of Ecuador’s Largest city, Guayaquil. He has made headlines in Ecuador with various antics. On August 31, 1990. Nebot was heard screaming hysterically during a public broadcast of a parliamentary session. Although screaming in parliament is a very common thing these days, it was Nebots choice of words that earned him fame.
His words were: “Come here so I can pee on you,” and then “I can’t just hit you. I have to pee on you.” The police came in and restrained Nebot who told them he was angry at the back room dealings of the socialist party.
Now as funny as this televised was for us to watch without understanding a word (okay, we could make out a few of the swears) this incident is not the reason he is on our list.
The real reason Nebot is on our Cool or Crazy list is this:
In October of 2003 during a press conference, Nebot decided that the criticism from the press was not only unwarranted, but that it got in the way of his duties as the Mayor, essentially costing the tax payers too much money. Nebot then hired an assistant specifically for the task of addressing the critics from the press.
What’s so crazy cool about that you ask? ………..
The person he hired was a parrot.
“I get paid in Crackers”
“Here is the parrot,” he explained, “that will be in charge to answer all the undesirable comments that I have no time to answer! Some people only approach me with nonsense talk, so the parrot will answer back in the same way because I need to use my time to work.”
We don’t know about you, but were putting Nebot in the “Cool” Category.
Francisco Macias Nguema
Some people believe that insanity is hereditary. Luckily for Macias Nguema, he didn’t believe in such ridiculous superstitions. Born the son of a witch doctor who killed his younger brother, Francisco became the first President of Equatorial Guinea.
The center of an extreme cult of personality. He was known for doing wonderful things like having entire families and villages executed, punishing critics to 30 year jail terms, making intellectuals illegal and lots of other fun stuff……. like his special Christmas in 1975. We guess he was in the festive mood when he march 150 of his opponents in to a football stadium in Malabo where he lined them all up and shot them dead to Mary Hopkin’s song “Those were the days”
Now, on the surface, it may appear that he was just “Evil” but we feel that two things allow him on to our list of Crazy or Cool.
The first, he banned lubrication in powerplants claiming that his magic powers would keep the place running (which they did until the power plant broke down shrouding the entire capital in darkness). The second, he would indulge in Bhang (buds from a female cannabis plant) and the Hallucinogenic plant known as Iboga, and then have an imaginary tea party with imaginary enemies who he would execute.
As funny as playing the Red Queen in wonderland sounds, we’re putting him in the crazy category
Other politicians and leaders who almost made the Cool or Crazy list include:
Who was tired of being short at around 5 foot 1 and had her legs lengthened to make her 5 foot 4 (or perhaps 5 foot 6 in high heels) which we decided is probably more cool than crazy since she wasn’t that tall.
and of course, it was hard to leave out Gaddafi
who wasn’t just known for his Gaddawful clothing styles, but also for doing things like firing his body guards and replacing them all with female virgins. Which we think is kind of cool, even for a crazy person.
Many of you may have heard the story of how a saloon owner named John Schrank was instructed by Ghosts (specifically the ghost of William Mckinley) to assassinate Teddy Roosevelt. He attempted to do this by shooting Roosevelt in the chest before his famous speech in 1912. Those of you who know the story, know that Teddy decided to deliver the 90 minute speech anyway, even though there was a bullet lodged in his chest.
This gives him a very honorable mention in the Daft Gadgets list of Nearly “unkillable” people. However some people took more than one measly bullet (Leon Trotsky got an Ice Axe plunged into the back or his skull before getting pissed off and spitting in his would be assassin’s face!). And others, who exited in a blood bath left there bodies, not because they were dead. But because, they didn’t want to hang around in their now mutilated bodies.
What can we say, we at Daft Gadgets really favor the stories of those who are bad ass enough to face certain death just to see how long they stand up against impossible odds.
Kind of like the final moments of this guy:
Which brings us to our first example…………………
1. Pablo Escobar
Head of the Medellin Drug Cartel back in the days of Miami Vice, Escobar quickly became public enemy number 1 in the United States, so much in fact that a special task force made up from U.S. Delta Force operatives, SEAL Team 6 and Centra Spike was commissioned to take him out with the help of the Colombian police task force known as “Search Bloc”.
Upon tracking him down, Escobar (who we can only assume had seen the 1983 movie “Scarface”), stayed true to his words: “I prefer to be in the grave in Colombia than in a jail cell in the United States” and began his final stand in Tony Montana like fashion.
Jumping from rooftop to rooftop, Escobar took a hailstorm of bullet wounds to his legs and body, only to finally be taken out by a kill shot through his ear. Like the unsinkable Bismark under British Bombardment, it was unclear whether the fatal wound on the unkillable drug lord was self inflicted, or if it came from one of the members of the Search Bloc.
It took over 50 years to find the scientific evidence that the Germans sank their own unsinkable ship, and without cryogenic freezing or inception like technology, it is unlikely that we will every know for sure regarding Escobar.
2. Fidel Castro:
“Fight Against Impossible Odds and Win” – Poster Translation
The movie titled 638 ways to Kill Castro got its name for a reason. According to Fabian Escanlante (Castro’s official life protector), 638 is the number of times the CIA and other Castro haters have attempted to assassinate Castro. The documentary goes into detail about plots using exploding cigars, poison pills, La Femme de Nikita type hit women, fungal infected scuba suits, Mafia style shootings, a poison syringe in a fountain pen, and even a radio station rigged with noxious gas!
Yes Fidel Castro is probably the most notorious assassination escape artist in history, known from the world of politics to pop culture. Of course some assassination plans are better than others.
COTTON: Fine, you sissy girls, I’ll row to Cuba myself! Hell, I’ll swim to Cuba with this wrench between my teeth! Then I’ll pose as a beautiful female plumber, and when the toilet clogs at the Presidential palace, I’ll… I’ll… oh. I just wanted to kill Castro!
HANK: I know, Dad. I know.
– King of the Hill.
He Doesn’t look so tough in the picture?
As the German disco group Boney M sang, Rasputin was a hard person to kill. With enemies all around from his drinking and lusting for power, Rasputin had more than one attempt on his life, on more than one occasion.
His Doctrine was to attain divine grace through sin, which basically means he started a religion that called for you to get drunk, have lots of sex, and take bribes. Generally the church would be able to do away with such a compelling competitive religion, but unfortunately for them, Rasputin was protected by the Russian Queen, who believed he mad mystic healing powers to treat her son.
This protection however, only went so far.
At a certain point, it was decided that Rasputin needed to go.
On June 29th, 1914. After receiving a telegram (no not a singing telegram like in the movie clue) A former prostitute turned religious disciple (named Khionia Guseva) attempted to redeem herself with god by slicing open Rasputin’s abdomen, leaving his exposed entrails hanging out. Upon doing so she was heard to scream “I have killed the antichrist!”
Of course minor wounds like having your entrails pulled out was not enough to stop someone like Rasputin.
He would recover from this injury only to later be poisoned at a at Moika Palace with cyanide laced wine and cakes. After devouring them all and having the audacity to still live, Prince Yusupov shot him in the back with a revolver and left him for dead. Yusupov later returned for his coat only to see Rasputin spring back to life and begin strangling him. Luckily other murderers were around and were able to shoot him dead again with 3 gun shot wounds.
As they eerily stepped towards his fallen body, they noticed that he was still trying to get back up. It was at this point that they began clubbing him to death. Not taking any chances they wrapped and bound his body in a carpet and threw him in the freezing Neva River where he managed to break free from his bonds, but drowned before he got out.
Is it any wonder they called him the Mad Monk? Going through an ordeal like that would send the Dali Lama to Anger Management
“I’m only happy because I still have my entrails inside me”
4. Jim Bowie
Some of you may be familiar with the Bowie Knife. Its called that because Jim Bowie became one badass son of a bitch every time he had one in his hand. The most famous time occurring during a friendly “Duel” that would later become known as “The Sandbar Fight”
On September 19, 1827 Bowie attended a duel on a sandbar outside Natchez Mississippi. When neither duelist managed to hit one another with their gun shots, spectators Cuny and Crain (who were also at odds with each other) decided that it would be a good time to settle their score as well. After all, it would be a shame to get all dress up for a duel and not see any blood.
With that Crain fired a shot at Cuny, but accidentally hit Bowie in the hip, sending him to the ground. Bowie then arose to his feet, drew his knife, and charged at Crain. Unfortunately, Crain managed to smash his gun over Bowies face as it broke into pieces and sent Bowie to the Ground. It was then that Wright (one of Crain’s supporters) shot at Bowie while he was on the ground, and then plunged his sword into Bowie’s chest.
Of course this just pissed Bowie off…
As Wright was fumbling with ways to pull his sword from Bowie’s sternum, Bowie grabbed hold of him and pulled him down into his Bowie knife (as it would become later known). Wright died instantly, but Bowie still had the problem of an annoying sword in his chest to deal with, which unfortunately made him an easier target and as such was shot and stabbed again by another member of Crain’s group.
Clambering to his feet, two brothers (Alfred and Carey Blanchard) fired pistols at him, hitting him once in the arm. Bowie was then able to draw the sword out of his chest and cut off part of Alfred’s forearm while dodging another bullet from Carey.
The Brothers then fled like the cowards they were
5. Michael Malloy, a Fire Fighter and Drunkard.
Photo not the real Malloy
Michael Malloy aka “Mike the Durable” and “Iron Mike”, was a homeless drunken Irishman who lived in New York City. As a former fireman who was down on his luck, Malloy became acquainted with five men who pretended to be his friends.
Just when things seemed to be at their worst, Malloy received the friendship of these five men and an unlimited drinking tab at their pub, which probably seemed like a godsend at the time. Little did he know, the five men (who would later become known as “The Murder Trust”) had secretly taken out insurance policies on his life. The idea was that because Malloy was so addicted to alcohol, he would accidentally kill himself with alcohol poisoning. (Little did they know that Malloy most likely had a liver sized for a blue whale.)
With the plan backfiring and Malloy not cooperating with the plan by not dying, action had to be taken. The five then came up with the idea to put anitfreeze in the liquor, but Malloy just kept coming back for more. When anitfreeze didn’t work they used turpentine, followed by horse liniment. When Malloy still came back for more, they used Rat poison in desperation.
Of course, by this time, Malloy had most likely built up a tolerance to poison and ingested the Rat poison with little problems other than a “bad hangover” which just required more booze to cure.
Realizing that if they didn’t collect on the insurance policy soon that Malloy was going to drink them out of their profits, The Murder Trust tried using raw oysters soaked in methanol and a sandwich of spoiled sardines mixed with poison and carpet tacks. All of which Malloy swallowed into his iron stomach.
Realizing that Malloy could probably ingest pretty much anything and still live, it was decided that the best way to kill him was to freeze him to death. This time, they waited until Malloy passed out from too much booze, carried him into a park in -26 degree weather, dumped him in snow and poured five gallons of water on his bare chest.
Of course, he showed up the next day for his free drinks. Pissed off, they drove over him with a taxi moving 45 mph, which finally at least sent him to the hospital . After being gone for 3 weeks, The Murder Trust assumed they had finally killed him. When he showed up for drinks again, they threw caution to the wind and put a hose in his mouth that was connected to a gas jet. He was finally pronounced dead of lobar pneumonia.
In contrast, 4 or the 5 men involved died in the electric chair known as “Old Sparky”. And it only took one try.
Anyone who knows the story of the count of Monte Cristo, Papillon, or the Shawshank Redemption, knows that the story of someone escaping to freedom can help lift us out of depression and provide us the strength to face another 5 days of imprisonment in an office cubical. There are many thrilling stories of escape that range from royalty dressing up as the opposite sex (Like with Mary Queen of Scots and King Charles II), to war stories escapes like the Allied Prisoners of War at Stalag Luft III and Colditz or the East Berliners from 1961-1989 (which included a getaway in a hot air balloon) to of course “Prison Breaks”
Below are our 3 of our favorite well known stories of Prison Break Escapes that we feel qualify the “escapees” as “Artists”
The First Being……
1. Kalashnikov Pat – Pascal Payet
Pat is one of the most notorious criminals in France
After being convicted of robing an armored truck and shooting a guard 14 times, Pascal Payet was sentenced to a lengthy prison term. At least, so the authorities thought.
On October 12 2001 a buddy flew into the compound with a rope ladder and pat escaped with a friend. (why didn’t I think of that?)
The guards got smart and put a net over top of the compound. But in may 2003 he decided to come back with another helicopter and cut a hole in the steel net to bust some friends out (3) He flew the helicopter to a nearby sports stadium and escaped in a car
He was recaptured in 2005.
He then again in June 2007. This time armed men hijack a helicopter, overpowered guards and went straight to his cell to
The chopper landed at a nearby helicopter and everyone escaped. Pat was found 2 months later and thrown back in prison. Of course the authorities aren’t saying which one.
Famous for his philandering, Giacomo Casanova pissed off one too many husbands. In fact his powers of seduction were so impressive he was imprisoned for allegedly practicing witchcraft in 1755 when he was sent to Leads prison in Venice, notorious for its inescapability.
However Casanova found a piece of iron in the prison yard and kept it for tunnel digging purposes. He dug a tunnel in the floor beneath his cell, but got moved before its completion. Thats when he convinced “Balbi” (the prisoner in the end cell next to his) to dig two tunnels. One connecting the two cells, and the other leading to the outside the prison.
Both Prisoners escaped with the iron bar, which they used one last time to break through a set of gates on their way to freedom.
3. Frank Morris and the Anglin Brothers
For those who saw the movie “The Rock” (which had nothing to do with the wrestler and everything to do with Sean Connery being a super cool ex MI6 agent) you may remember how hard it was to break in to the Prison Island of Alcatraz. Apparently, Alcatraz was even harder to break out of….unless you are a diabolical genius like Frank Morris.
In its time, Alcatraz was the most secure prison in the United States. It was fully equipped with hidden microphones, gun towers, and trigger happy guards who would like nothing better to do than to snipe some poor bastard who got too close to the electric fence. On top of that, even if a prisoner did manage to escape, they would have to find a way to cross the dangerous waters that completely surrounded the island.
In 1962, Frank Morris and the Anglin brothers, Clarence and John, decided that Alcatraz was a boring un-fun place to be and began planning their escape. Little by little with a set of nail clippers, some spoons and a drill made from a fan, they began to chip away at the concrete around a ventilation shaft. Each night, as the hole got bigger, they would fill it in with a jail made paper mache of newspapers and paste. Once the hole was big enough, they used their paper mache skills to create fake heads with barbershop hair to act as decoys for their escape.
With the help of 50 prison raincoats, they constructed an inflatable raft (that they blew up with an accordion) and took to the water.
They were never heard from again.
If you would like to conduct your own prison or wartime escape from home, all you need is an imagination, some army men, and one of the cool RC helicopters from DaftGadgets.com
We all want to smell like something other than armpits, sweat, and food remnants that get released through our pores. More importantly however, we want to smell like something the opposite sex is likely to want (which unlike us, is desirable).
Knowing this, fragrance designers around the world have spent millions of dollars they didn’t have through questionable research applications trying to find the perfect scent. Why? So that they may put it in a bottle and use it to disinfect humanity from its own stench.
From Political fragrances that smell like democrats, republicans, or independent voters, to colognes that make the wearer feel like a soon to be dead red shirt wearing extra in a low budget Star Trek episode, there is most likely now a cologne for literally any occasion.
Below are just a few of the geekiest colognes we could find while surfing the internet pretending to be working…..
The First is….
Play Doh Cologne
If you think that Play Doh cologne is meant for old men who expose themselves to children at Disneyland, you’d be wrong.
Play doh cologne is meant for `highly-creative people, who seek a whimsical scent reminiscent of their childhood.” according to the Play Doh cologne manufacturer.
As everyone knows, life always gets worse, which in turn makes our past and childhood seem happier than it really was. This is why we are always looking back on the “good old days” and why it is never the “good old days” right now. Companies know this and attempt to cash in on this imaginary happiness via means of nostalgia.
The hope here is that people will associate the Fragrance with bright colored crayons, finger painting, sculpting, (and all the other creative things we learned that that we can’t make a dime off in today’s modern world) and believe once again that someone like our boss will come down and say. “That’s an exceptionally artistic pie chart you made. Good Job.“
For those of you who love the smell of bacon, there is now a way to attract love interests of the same nature. Although we believe that bacon would be a better scent to attract men to women (in perfume), bacon cologne could land you an obese wife or possibly a really good licking poodle.
On a darker side, if you’ve seen the movie deliverance, you may want to avoid wearing it on hunting trips.
Flame –Burger King Cologne
The legendary Burger King Cologne that lets you smell like what every woman wants. A juicy piece of meat!
Yes, its possible that if you don this cologne, you may offend a few vegetarian women, but look on the bright side….Just think of how well groomed you will be after licking yourself all day.
Star Trek Pon Far Perfume
What is a Pon Farr you ask?
If you’re not a Geek and are somehow reading this anyway, you may not know that “The Pon Farr” refers to the deep rooted repressed emotions that a Star Trek Vulcan experiences once every 7 years. Because Vulcans repress all their emotions, all their rage, fear, love, lust and suffering gets buried deep inside them only to be let out orgastically when they are in “heat” during the mating time of “Pon Farr”
Pon Farr perfume could help you land anything from a Nelix to a Captain Kirk.
Warning! Kirks at Comic Con may be geekier than they appear.
Other Sci Fi Geek Fragrances include: Slave Lei Perfume:
Which guy hasn’t fantasized about princess lea in a golden bikini? The Slave Lea perfume is so seducing, it even blocks out the hideous image of Jabba the Hut being in the room with you.
Of course, if your guy is a known gambler and scoundrel, there is the Eau d’ Lando cologne for men.
Well, they say chicks digg money. But Liquid money comes in both perfume and cologne, so perhaps great minds think alike in this case.
Not exactly for geeks, The idea of the “Money” Cologne is that you can create your own personal scent of success. Since, Geeks are slowing taking over the world, we think this cologne would be better off smelling like the fear of high school bullies now being chased by geek built killer robots, but money does bring back some nostalgic forms of success from the 1980s we haven’t felt since we began ranting about the blatant societal discrimination towards Generation X.
To get you in the mood for money, we’ve included Gordon Gekko’s famous speech on Greed below.
“Greed is good.”
“Greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right. Greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through, and captures, the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of its forms; greed for life, for money, for love, knowledge, has marked the upward surge of mankind and greed, you mark my words, will not only save Teldar Paper, but that other malfunctioning corporation called the U.S.A “
Quote: Gordon Gekko, Wallstreet.
You can find great Geek Gifts for Him and Her in the unusual gift ideas section of our Gadget Shop
“Awww…he’s all tuckered out. Now he’s going to curl up in a nest of you’re socks he’s crammed behind the fridge.”
Ferrets, those mischievous masked scamps. They’re like slinky, sinuous, cats with comically long necks and bodies. These are affectionate, playful, inquisitive animals. If you get them descented they don’t smell too bad and they can be litter trained with some patience. In fact, a ferret or two would make an excellent addition to your home. Provided you can keep the darn things from killing themselves. Ferrets curiosity and energy mixed with the fact that they can squeeze into tight places pretty much guarantees that they’ll get themselves in trouble unless you ferret proof your house. If you thought babies were helpless and stupid, here are just a few of the many many things you need to do to keep your suicide prone weasel safe.
“They’re dead…but it’s still cute.”
They love holes, so plug up everything. Don’t assume your ferret hasn’t crawled into your vacuum cleaner or your drain pipes (don’t turn on the garbage disposal!). Rocking chairs and fold out beds are pretty much blunt guillotines, so get rid of them. Keep your toilet bowl lid down or they’ll drown themselves. And they love to eat odd things, so watch what you leave laying around. Vets have pulled foam ear plugs, paper clips, erasers, rubber bands, mousepad pieces, Velcro, calculator keypads, stockings out of their stomachs. Always check the dirty clothes before throwing them on to wash because rodent blood will absolutely ruin a blouse. Make sure your medicine is kept in childproof containers and is out of reach (wait…seriously?). You should also probably look into getting your ferret a bright yellow helmet with a warning label that reads ‘special’.
“The cutest animal ninja of them all.”
This ferret-monkey-bear looking thing is not only cute, but also very playful. The Kinkajou is energetic, loves to leap and climb, has a prehensile tail like a monkey and will use you as it’s personal tree. It also has a six-inch long tongue. Which is all awesome right? And it’ll bite the ever-loving hell out of you if you mess up, just like it did to Paris Hilton…twice.
Even though their diet consists mainly of fruit they have extremely sharp teeth and a strong bite. Scientists don’t really know why this frugivore even needs friggin vampire-like incisors. What kind of fruit can’t be taken out with anything less than fangs? Regardless many owners swear that these creatures are gentle and affectionate. Just as long as you don’t crowd them too much, don’t make too many sudden movements, respect their territory and don’t wake them up during the day. It’s also recommended that let them have their own room cuz they need lots of space. You should probably give strong consideration to turning your entire life over to your Kinkajou. It would make things easier. (So yes, it’s exactly like being married.) Follow these simple guidelines and you’ll come away mostly unscathed…probably. They also live anywhere from 20 to 40 years, so be prepared to have this hyper, saber-toothed squirrel-chimp around forever. Oh, and in at least three states Raccoon Roundworms have been discovered in the feces of Kinkajou pets…which can be fatal to humans…and Kinkajou’s can’t be litter trained (or any kind of trained actually).
“Because chicks dig vicious killer bird that can maim and/or disfigure you for life.”
Wook, it’s a soft fwuzzy widdle owl. He’s so tiny and fruffy and wovable. I wants one! Friggin Harry Potter’s got an owl mom. Why can’t I have one? Well first of all it’s illegal. But who cares right? People still keep these things. But there are other reasons that should make you reconsider adopting one of these plushy raptors. Mostly, it’s because they’re birds of prey, so besides having razor sharp claws and beaks that can cut you, your furniture and virtually anything else in your house to shreds, they’ll also see any other pets as potential food. We can’t stress enough how powerful and sharp and their talons are. They can cut you to the bone just by being playful. Some of the larger owls have a grip of up to two hundred pounds per square inch. Humans can barely squeeze for twenty.
“You’re perfectly safe as long as you don’t stop petting him.”
And if the bird has imprinted on you then it’ll think you’re its mate. Which basically means it owns you and it’ll attack anyone who comes near you. I hope you don’t plan to date. During mating season it’ll hoot and screech all night long too. And you’d better darn well hoot back and you’d better act like you like it…if you know what’s good for you. And they won’t like anyone else but you which means only you can feed them, so no vacations away from home…ever. They also have special diets which consists of whole animals. They will also throw up everything they don’t digest, like livers and intestines, so be prepared to clean that loveliness up.
2. Slow Loris
What is a Slow Loris? Watch these videos first: Slow Loris
“Feed me! The cuteness compels you.”
Holy heck on a stick!!! That has got to be the cutest thing on the face of this forsaken mud ball we call earth! That precious guy is packing some epic, weapons grade adorableness. That innocent, wide-eyed little bugger is just begging to have the heck cuddled out of him. He’s such a slow, itty-bitty monkey. It’s like a tiny, fuzzy old man. Why doesn’t everyone have one of these sweet little raccoon sloths? Because they have poisonous elbows (no, seriously). The Slow Loris has special glands in their elbows which secret a toxin that causes rapid swelling and intense pain (it’s all true, why would we make this up?). They lick their elbows so that they’re bite can deliver this venom to the bloodstream (go ahead, try to lick your elbow).
“This may look like a ‘don’t beat me’ pose, but in reality it’s getting its elbows in attack position.”
Owning one is illegal, because they’re endangered in the wild. Their poison also makes them smell like sweat socks. They like to bed down in dirty cloths hampers (cuz it smells like home probably). They have extremely sharp teeth and despite their slow appearance they can strike like lighting. The poison doesn’t kill, but it causes painful throbbing and swelling.
1. Sugar Gliders
“It’s wearing a bow! She’s a proper little lady! What…why is my arm wet?”
These lovely flying squirrel-possums are small, cute and they love to play and run around. And the best part is they can glide! You and a friend can toss one around in the back yard like a baseball (please don’t). What could be more fun and adorable than an aerial hamster with stripes like an English badger? And then it pees on you. As a matter of fact, it’ll probably do more than pee. Sugar gliders have no real control over when they defecate. When they wake up, they pee. When they eat, they pee. When you take them out to play, they pee. But don’t worry, that probably means he likes you.
“The fur bat strikes!”
Another great thing about sugar gliders is that they suck the juices out of their food. They don’t really ‘eat’ fruit. They just squeeze it to a mushy pulp and then they spit it out…all over the wall, the floor, the ceiling. These little critters are renowned for making a huge mess. They can also smell strongly (but maybe that’s because it’s covered in urine 24 hours a day). And don’t think you can get just one. Sugar gliders are social creatures and they need lots of attention or they might freak out and attack you or themselves or just straight out die. (Did we mention that in the wild they chew threw bark so you’re skin is laughably easy for them to peal away?) It’s best if you have two so they don’t get lonely. So that’s twice the mess, twice the smell but also twice the fun!
Oh, and they bark all night long cuz their nocturnal animals. Sweet dreams.
If you are looking to block out the insane barking of a sugar glider, or just the voices in your head you can try the memory foam sleep mask with headphone input from DaftGadgets.com
Some of you may have heard of “The Legend of The Emerald Tablet” a.k.a. “The Secret of Hermes” and wondered, “Is there any reality to this wizardry?”
The answer is yes.
Now lets be clear. At Daft Gadgets we would like nothing more than to prove that anyone of us can turn into a Jedi Knight or some cooler version of Harry Potter, but that doesn’t mean we distort evidence to prove the existence of mythical beings.
According to “The Secret of Hermes” (based upon Hermes Trismegistus), the emerald tablet revealed the secret of the primordial substance and its transmutations. (Take That Darwin)
Hermes was said to have been clutching the emerald tablet in his arms in his death bed.
Although this legend is in fact “A legend,” there have been some true wizards through out the ages that you may not have heard of.
The frist being….
1. Roger Bacon aka Doctor Mirabilis
The name “Dr. Mirabilis” is a medieval praise meaning: “Wonderful Teacher.”
This Wonderful teacher was known as an English philosopher and Franciscan friar who studied nature through empirical methods. He is sometimes credited as one of the first European advocates of the modern scientific method that was inspired by early Greek philosophers.
As one of the first real wizards, Roger Bacon:
-revealed the role of air in burning, and
-predicted inventions of the future including cars, ships and aircrafts.
His Opus Majus contains treatments of mathematics, optics, alchemy (and the manufacture of gunpowder), the positions and sizes of the celestial bodies and how they could possibly influence the fate of humans.
He was also sent to jail at one point for being a magician or “Wizard” possibly due to his arcane knowledge of alchemy.
2. John Dee 1527-1608
John Dee was a noted English mathematician, astronomer, astrologer, occultist, navigator, imperialist who devoted much of his life to the study of alchemy, divination and Hermetic philosophy.
Basically…he was a wizard.
To some of his contemporaries, Dee was an “Evil Wizard.”
This may have been due to the fact that he was always trying to speak with angles through their universal language of creation in order to bring the apocalypse.
To be fair, Dee was actually trying to bring the Pre-Apocalyptic unity of human kind with a one world religion. Unfortunately, some saw this as just another step closer to the apocalypse, which was a pretty scary thought for most people, and may have led to his charges of treason and “calculating” in the year 1555.
The Calculating charge was for casting a horoscopes of Queen Mary and Princess Elizabeth and was just the first of many slander cases against the wizard.
Dee was an intensely pious Christian wizard who believed that the nature of the universe was an act of numbering and that mankind had the potential for divine power, if they could unlock the secrets to this number through mathematics.
His goal was to recapture the knowledge of the universe through the pure theology of the ancients and bring forth a unified world.
3. Paracelsus 1493 1541
“Many have said of Alchemy, that it is for the making of gold and silver. For me such is not the aim, but to consider only what virtue and power may lie in medicines.”
Paracelsus means equal to or greater than Celsus (Celsus being the 1st century Roman medical encyclopedist.)
The real name of this wizard was Philippus Aureolus Theophrastus Bombastus von Hohenheim (yes its a mouthful).
Paracelsus pioneered the idea of small chemicals to treat illness which was the basis for our modern day pharmacology
He is also recognized as giving Zinc its name, which is really important if you can imagine a world without zinc! (see video below)
4. Trithemius – 1462 1516
Trithemius’ most famous work is the Book Steganographia.
The book appears to be about magic at first glance, however scientists now belive the book was actually about cryptography. Now, Trithemius was accused of dealing with the occult. It was probably the view of those who couldn’t read the secret messages, that if someone is hiding something, it must be evil magic (actually all magic was evil back then)
Steganographia was the first book on secret codes.
5. Nicolas Flamel 1330-1417
According to some, Flamel was the greatist european alchemist of his time.
This posthumous reputation is mostly due to his reputed work on “the philosopher’s stone.” (no he didn’t write the Harry Potter book) Yes, that’s right, Flamel is said to have created the “elixir of life” and developed the ability to turn lead into gold!
Although no formal proof of this wizard’s claims exist, Flamel and his wife were noted for their wealth and philanthropy as have provided many other interpretations on the subject of alchemy.
He has also been referenced by great names like Victor Hugo, and Issac Newton, as well as pop culture references like Indiana Jones and Harry Potter.
Test Your Own Wizardry With Our Magic Levitating Wand!
1. Vladimir Demikhov Vs Dr. White:
When someone faces the horror of seeing their pet get hit by a car they usually only have 2 options:
- Bury the pet in the Pet Sematary where it will comeback to life possessed, or
- Convert the Pet with the latest craze known as RC Taxidermy.
However something most of you haven’t thought of is sewing your pet’s head onto another animals body while its still alive.
Who the hell would be crazy enough to do this you ask?
Vladimir Demikhov, that’s who.
Vladimir Demikhov was a Mad Soviet Scientist and organ transplant pioneer. Known for sewing on extra heads to dogs and monkeys, Demikhov may be the first real mad scientist to follow in the footsteps of Mary Shelly’s Dr. Frankenstein.
His masterpiece is probably a puppy’s head grafted onto the neck of a full grown German Shepherd. The puppy head would lap at milk and drool in down the side of its mouth. Unfortunately, both animals died shortly after the experiment.
Of course this was during the cold war, and the Americans refused to be behind the Soviets in any technology, even multiple headed dogs. This led the American scientist Dr Robert White to transplant the brain of one dog into the neck of another dog. The question then became, “is this dog brain conscious, and if so, what type of doggy hell is it in?”
Dr White couldn’t answer this and decided to move on to bigger and better experiments like decapitating two monkeys and switching their heads.
Kind of makes you want to skip your yearly check up doesn’t it?
2. Shiro Ishii:
(No, were not getting any funnier just yet)
Other than being known for the vivisection of living people (sometimes women he and the other doctors recently impregnated) amputating limbs and reattaching them to different parts of the body, freezing and unfreezing of a patients extremities, and purposely infecting patients with venereal diseases via rape, Shiro Ishii was known to be a selfish, pushy and disturbed individual who excelled at his studies.
His victims numbered around 10 000, receiving 600 per year from the kempeitai military police. He referred to his patients as “logs” and his research area as “The Saw Mill”
After Japan’s defeat in WWII, Ishii and his fellow mad scientists known as Unit 731 were granted immunity by the U.S. Government in exchange for the data he collected from torturing his victims.
3. Charles Bien Aime et Le Fol
(Charles the Loved and the Mad)
Charles was the King of France from 1380 – 1422 and is known as the once loved king of France who slipped into madness.
He first experienced psychosis in 1392 when his adviser, Olivier de Clisson, was almost murdered. Charles attempted to punish the would be assassin responsible by any means necessary. The person believed to be responsible was Pierre de Craon and was thought to be hiding in Brittany. Charles assembled a small army and set off to catch the assassin.
During the march, a barefoot leper sprung from the woods yelling at the King that he had been betrayed and continued behind the small army repeating his cries. Sometime later, a sun stroked page would drop his lance against the shield of another causing a very loud clanging sound. Charles then drew his sword yelling: “Forward against the Traitors!” and began fighting his own soldiers and killing a knight known as “The Bastard of Polignac.”
He was known to forget the names of his family members, as well as his own name. He also believed at one point his name was George who’s family crest was a stabbed lion. In another incident he forgot he was King entirely.
None of which was his craziest delusion…..
His craziest of all delusions was the condition we now know as “Glass Delusion.” Here Charles believed that his body was made of glass and very breakable. This caused him to fear movement and completely forgo any personal hygiene regiment like bathing. At one point he became so filthy that his body became completely infested with lice.
At one point to combat this he attempted various procedure to protect his fragile body including custom made clothes that included iron bars sewn into them.
Take that Tony Stark.
4. Saparmurat “Turkmenbashi” Niyazov ,
After changing his name to “Turkmenbashi” meaning leader of all ethnic Turks, Niyazov then proceeded to declare himself “President for life”
He then went on a narcissistic reforming rampage renaming practically everything under his authority that didn’t already pay him homage.
His list of reforms include:
- He ordered every bottle of vodka to have a picture of his face on it, as well as every clock and watch in the country
- He ordered TV Stations to use his face as a logo
- He changed the name of the capital city airport to Turkmenbashi
- He replaced the port city Krasnovodsk with the name Turkmenbashi
- After a 670 lbs Meteorite hit the country, he declared it named Turkmenbashi
- He changed the names of street and schools to Turkmenbashi
- He changed the national anthem to reference his name in the chorus.
- He banned dogs from the capital because they smelled funny
- He banned gold teeth and encouraged people to gnaw on bones like dogs because dogs teeth didn’t fall out as easy.
- He banned smoking after he was forced to quit due to health problems
- He banned reporters from using make up.
- He renamed the month of January Turkmenbashi
- He renamed the month of September “Ruhnama” in honor of the book wrote by Turkmenbashi
- He banned Opera and Ballet
- He decreed that men should refrain from growing beards
- He declared that the average Turkmen doesn’t read books and as such ordered libraries to be closed.
And finally he banned Britney Spears
(okay he actually banned lip-syncing, but same idea)
Oh yeah, and he also commissioned the construction of an Ice palace with an arctic type zoo complete with penguins and other animals………in the middle of the hottest dessert in Asia.
Source: BBC Ice Zoo
5. Howard Hughes (The Aviator)
This Aviator tycoon who had a paranoid obsession with germs and cleanliness may have had a little more crazy to him than your average ocd.
His quirkyness has been referenced in comedy for years including a famous episode of the Simpsons where Mr Burns plays a parody of the eccentric tycoon and orders his assistant at gun point to get into a miniature wooden plane nicknamed “The Spruce Moose.” (The Spruce Goose was a derisory nickname of Hughes plane the H4 Hercules) See the video link below.
Hughes’ antics included:
- An obsession with the size of peas (he used a special fork to separate them)
- He wrote an extremely detailed memorandum about how to prevent actresses Jane Russell’s blouse from “Bunching Up” on the set.
- He locked himself in his screen room where he sat naked on a chair watching movies for 4 months, eating only chocolate bars and milk and relieving himself in the empty milk bottles. During this time he also surrounded himself with Kleenex boxes and rearranged them continuously.
- He later moved into a bungalow at the Beverly Hills Hotel where he would sit naked watching movies with a pink napkin over his genitals. Somehow he spent 11 million dollars in that hotel that year.
- He became obsessed with his home state of Texas and began purchasing all the restaurant chains and 4 star hotels that had been founded their (some which were long out of business)
- He became obsessed with the film “Ice Station Zebra” and had it running on a continuous loop and was said to have watched it 150 times.
- Near the end of his life he surrounded himself with Mormons, not believing anyone else to be trustworthy
Here, is one of the more satirical take offs on the billionaire:
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We realize everyone has their own opinion as to which superheroes are tougher, or who would win over who in a fight over who. As such, at Daft Gadgets, we believe in democracy and everyone’s right to have their own wrong opinion as to who the toughest superpowerless heroes are.
We define a superpower, as something that is preternatural to humans. For example, mutants are an evolved branch from humans and their powers don’t count, so wolverine would have to fight with bleeding hands and the inability to regenerate faster than a normal human. Kwai Chang Caine gets his power from within his chi and as such we might count him if we liked him more, whereas nobody from the movie kungfu hustle would qualify for our list, even though we found them all to be very amusing.
So lets begin with
#5 Frank Castle a.k.a: “The Punisher”
Now the Castle isn’t known so much for his technique in hand to hand combat as he is for his “in your face” catch a fly with a bazooka mentality. He employs many anti hero tactics like murder, kidnapping, extortion, coercion, threats of violence, and torture to get his way, so he’s kind of like a bad guy in an identity crisis.
These tactics take the readers focus off his supreme fighting skills as a well placed punch is often less exciting than a live grenade in someones pants or shot gun in someones mouth.
That being said, Castle is a war veteran trained as a master of martial arts, stealth tactics, guerrilla warfare, and almost every form of weaponry.
Who Did The Punisher Fight That Makes Him So Tough?
He fought Spiderman on more than one occasion, although he was defeated in the majority. He believed Spiderman was a killer and was tricked into seeking revenge against him.
He took out Rhino without any serious problems
He also defeated Venom when he learned Venom was the killer “Eddie Brock” (Although he let him go when he ran out of sniper bullets)
He defeated Daken, the mutant son of Wolverine
He broke his arm and sent him through three walls and on to a subway track where he electrocuted him and allowed a subway to run him down.
He also defeated Deadpool multiple times before blowing his head off. (which grew back) and Daredevil, who tried to come to the aid of the innocent Deadpool.
This is by no means a complete list of the Punisher’s top foes, but you get the idea.
#4. Ben Turner/Bronze Tiger
After killing his parents murderer with a Kitchen knife, Ben Turner turned to the martial arts as a way to help quell the inner rage of his soul. Studying along side Richard Dragon under the teachings of Master O-Sensei, Ben Turner became one of the greatest martial artists in world.
He has been considered by most to be one of the top 5 martial artists in the DC Universe and is still considered to be top 10 even though he has lost popularity over the years.
Who did he beat up that was so tough?
Uhhh…. Batman. More than once.
This alone is enough for Ben Turner to make our list.
#3. Lady Shiva
The Same Master O-Sensei that trained Ben Turner also had a god daughter named Sandra Woosan. Wooson is known to be the deadliest assassin the DC universe and currently goes by the code name “Lady Shiva”
Who did she beat up that makes her so tough?
Well she handled Victor Sage (the question) without much of a problem, although that was before his training with Richard Dragon.
She also defeated and helped retrain Batgirl (who turned out to be her daughter), and gave a pretty serious liking to the third Robin, “Time Drake”
Add to the list “Connor Hawke” (The Second Green Arrow)who was defeated during a martial arts tournament. (His life was spared at Robin’s request.)
On top of everything, she has mastered a move known as the Leopard Blow, that will apparently kill any opponent instantly, even the Great Richard Dragon.
#2. Shang Chi
Even the Great Iron Fist himself confessed that Shang Chi was a superior fighter, which is a pretty big deal since Iron Fist has the superpower known as “Shou Lou the undying”
Shang Chi’s name means a rising and advancing spirit. He has teamed up with the Sons of Tiger, Iron Fist, Jack of Hearts, White Tiger, Spiderman, the Thing, and even ROM the Space knight.
Shang is also a master of every martial arts weapon
Who has Shang Fought that makes him so tough?
Well, he did defeat and kill his father in a brutal engagement as well as his younger half brother “Moving Shadow”
Shang Chi also came to blows with the Man Thing (pardon the expression), The Shadow Stalker, Razor Fist, Shockwave, Skull Crusher, Zaran, Silver Samurai.
He has also once held off a crowd of 30 super criminals for Captain America, a so called “super human”.
It may come as no surprise that Batman is listed in the #1 slot.
Throughout the comic ages Batman has become one of the most powerful human beings in the DC Universe, despite having no superhuman powers.
By training with the most brilliant minds on the earth in the fields of science, biology, criminology, and other areas, Batman has molded himself in a Jeet Kune Do fashion that allows him to utilize his evolving strengths in a way no comic character has before him.
Who did Batman beat up that makes him so tough?
Yes, that’s right. Batman beat the daylights out of Superman. Batman believes Superman is a government sellout and prepares a final battlefield in his honor. Superman walks into traps of electricity and ultra sonic sound waves before finally taking a Kryptonite arrow (developed by batman) to the chest. Batman’s grasps the throat of Superman and delivers the final words:
“We could have changed the world…now…look at us…I’ve become a political liability…and…you…you’re a joke. I want you to remember, Clark…in all the years to come…in your most private moments…I want you to remember…my hand…at your throat…I want…you to remember…the one man who beat you.”
Batman is a master disguise artist and profiler, capable of ninja like stealth and Houdini like escapology. This allows him to treat every battle as just a battle in a much larger war. Although he refuses to take life, and has been forced to retreat, Batman becomes stronger after ever defeat. He has lost many one on one battles but has consistently proven himself as the victor of the war, and as such, wins the top spot among the superpowerless heroes.
Other notable mentions:
Wolverine (without powers)
Marv from Sin City
The King Pin